Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

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~Well here is my post, I said I wasn't.. but it needs to be said~

You know, I said I was going to let this be. But what I said in the last post really does not cover it. I think there are some things that should be said by myself. And since my stalkers are supposedly watching my every move, well I am ascertain that this will get to Kuro. So what. I have nothing to hide. Whatever I don't say here, just gets posted to winged_shards (or will when I get up to adding it back from the hacking department.)

You lie though Kuro. You lie because I -have- changed. I have learned things, unlike you.. I took all the bad things that happened in 2004 and you know what I did? I let it go. Yes that is it. I never denied that you broke up with me, I never denied that I had -some- part in our breakup. It was what we both did to each other, we stifled each other instead of lifting each other up and inspiring each other. That is the one sign that a relationship is about to end. We gave up -friends- for each other. When one is forced to give up friends or interests up. That is the end of a relationship as a friend xandria told me.. who I recall you and/or your mother thought was a seperate personality of mine. (Ironically enough we are not friends anymore due to a silly misunderstanding.. and she is still posting, so I guess she never -was- one of my ALTS.)

You are accusing me of many things in that vile and hateful post of yours. Yes, I asked you back, and I begged. I will not deny that. However had I only known what I know now exactly a year later. I am damn well thankful I choose the cats, LJ and Alexi over you. Because let us face it Kuro. You. Are. Not. Stable. And for the record, I also told you there were things that I had to take care of with Alexi, like the divorce, helping pay off the bills we created together and the whatnot. I can say surely that had I given up everything to come down there to live with you, I would probably be dead now. Either physically, mentally or emotionally. It was funny how today on the home from driving Alexi to work, he commented, "Aren't you glad you didn't go down to live with Kuro." And yes I am. Because you are not the woman I fell in love, not by a longshot. When did you get to become a mire of maggots and despair? You call me an angsty-emo queen? I refer back to your post, "Hello pot calling kettle black".

But I don't want to dwell on that. I want to dwell on what I learned this year. I learned the true concept of friendship, one that does not ignore all others to please the one I love. I learned that I had two wings, I was just too scared to use my other wing, I learned that I did not need someone to complete me, neither did I need my muses though they are definitely amusing to keep around. And I learned that I was not crazy like you and your mother tried to make me feel. Trying to convince myself that I had all sorts of problems. You diagnosed me so many times with countless conditions even though you are not a psychologist. I am no crazier then anyone else, but with a little bit of crazy in it to make it fun. I don't need a deep and meaningful romantic relationship, I am content with having friends that I can rely on. Because I resolved myself that I would cling to no one else this year.

There were several online friends that I met this year. Friends that I am happy to call my compatriots. uzukisaru, fennin, hemisphere among others that shall remain nameless. And I have hopes to meet more this year, because I never doubt the fact that behind the journals there are real faces behind them, real hearts and souls. Because unlike you I have not lost faith. It's sad to lose that faith, it makes you cynical and jaded. And the life that is led from a lack of trust is one that I can imagine would be very despondant and unfufilling.

You can say whatever you want about your real friends and your real relationship, I am not even a bit curious. Whatever you have done up to this point is up to you. I have felt no obsession for you ever since a few weeks -after- you broke up with me. My reaction to your death? Do you find that obsessive? Did you find it obsessive that I wanted to tell people that you had died? You know why I did that. Because no one should be forgotten, everyone should be remembered, even online. Because I thought your friends would like to know. There were people that cared for you on your friends list, who did not want to take sides and stayed on BOTH of our friend's list when the break-up occured. No one automatically took my side. fox_reed didn't and I respected her for that. What I did in reaction to your death was a tribute. Do you think I would spit on your grave? Of course not, you don't do that to someone that you did care about. I did care about you Kuro.

I even felt guilty and reading back through that post right now, about your death, when your mother told us that you had died. I see every little thing that was orchestrated to get at me. To make me feel like it was my fault, to make me feel guilty. That was horrible. To post that you had looped "Small of Two Pieces" Do you know how that made me CRY. No of course you do not, and you do not realize the people who AIM'd me asking me for that song because they wanted to hear what you heard when you died. For your mother to say that you had drowned in a mire of hopelessness, that you could never love again. And to find out that was faked. Yes, that was the lowest of the low.

Not just myself, but for all those people who thought that they could of STOPPED YOU if they had talked to you more. Heather, Ashley, Foxxie, Kat All those people who felt guilty for not being the friend that they thought they should of been.

You have successfully done everything to spew shat upon your name, and by your own hands. I do not even have to post this but I wanted to for the mere fact that I feel that you deserve to know just what I had learned. I have moved on from you and quite happily, and anything that I feel about learning that your death was fake just reinforces the fact that I am truly better off without you.

Once upon a time I posted after your death that we had both gone through the forest of thorns and despair, I made it out to see the sun while you had died because you could not get out of it.

Of course you could not get out of it. You -were- the forest of thorns.

I make no judgements other that, they have already been said by other people and in far more concise ways then myself. By both friends and strangers. (fake_lj_deaths which was not posted by me but by a friend of ASHLEY's). You just turned your journal into a circus, I hope you are satisfied.

Also, I am ashamed. If you were going to fake your death, and reveal it, you should of had some courage to turn on comments. Or are you afraid to take a bit of the medicine that you dish out? Only a coward could spew things like that and then lock the door behind her.

And your spies? They are as sneaky and underhanded as you, not to mention just as cowardly. I could care less who you have watching my journal, this is not the first time you have tried to cast doubts on my FList instead of taking responsibility yourself (You did that with angeluszion as I recall, when your mother got screencaps of my locked posts, she or you included everyone in my Winged Shards Account to the_hen and then added someone who -wasn't- in my private journal, so that I would think that it was -her- who had leaked the screencaps. I have long since realized that it wasn't her.) Go on and spew your hate, little girl. Because that is what you are. A little girl.

Welp, I've said all I need to say.

"And still I held out my hand,
Tried to pull you back..
But you were buried in the sand"
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