Song: "Hunting High and Low" by A-ha
Fandom: Xenogears (can there be any other? *hees*)
Pairing: Yui x Citan (Implied Citan x Sigurd)
Warning/ Author's Note: This is the second in the A-ha series. And done completely from Yui's perspective. I have always loved Yui. Maney would assume that because I am a die-hard Citan x Sigurd shipper, I would bash Yui.. when in fact I don't. I think she is a woman to be admired and I do like the Citan x Yui pairing. There most certainly were reasons why Citan would choose to marry Yui, and I do not think he would marry anyone superficial or unworthy. And I am right, Yui is a woman worthy of his love. It is a slightly sad songfic from Yui's perspective. Hopefully I managed to capture her personality.
"Here I am
And within the reach of my hands
She sounds asleep and she's sweeter now
Than the wildest dream could have seen her
And I Watch her slipping away
Though I know I'll be hunting high and low"
Often times Yui would lay there in the bed that they shared and think over the past and what it had heralded. The scent of green tea invaded her senses from her husband's sleeping form and she could hear his breathing and the rise and fall of his chest, but she never turned to look at him. There was something so sacred about him in sleep that she dare not invade. She likewise knew that to gaze upon her husband's sleeping form was to know who he -truly- was, all facades aside.
Sleep often revealed what people did not want to voice during the waking hours, the mind taking over and spinning long past how it should of been reasonable. She did certainly dream of her husband, but her dreams were not the happy dreams that most married couples had. No, something was always keeping her from her husband's love. Something that she could not place but nonetheless hovered there with a strength that was nearly palpable.
Their marriage, it was comfortable. It was the type of marriage that was steadfast and true. No great gales of passion nor stormy weather rocked their waters. It was a sailboat set adrift on a calm lagoon. Sometimes Yui had to wonder at that calmness, wonder if everything was really as normal as they appeared on the surface.
There's no end to the lengths I'll go to
Hunting high and low
There's no end to lengths I'll go"
For they did have what others called the perfect marriage. All the townspeople of Lahan often remarked on their model marriage, what a wonderful couple that they made. The eccentric yet helpful doctor and his compassionate and amiable wife. In the townfolks eyes they could do no wrong and it was better that way really. But after all the people left, after it was just them in the bedroom, there was something missing. Not love for Yui knew that her husband loved her in his own way. But it was a passion that just was not there.
But then it had never been there to begin with.
When Hyuga, no Citan had proposed to her, it had been both formal and informal. The moment that she kissed him, she had known. Known that it would be a marriage of convenience and nothing more. That had not stopped her foolish dreaming. Dreaming of perhaps winning Hyuga's love to her. In many marriages, it did not start out as love but as a mutual respect based on affection and shared goals.
She had married him despite her father's warnings that he was a solarian and that she would end up hurt in the end. However his warnings were in vain for Yui found herself in love with him before the fact. It was the way he carried himself, with an inherent grace. His intelligence was such that she enjoyed talking with him and his gentle nature drew her own. It was like laying in a hammock and letting the wind gently lull you to sleep.
To find her again
Upon this my dreams are depending
Through the dark
I sense the pounding of her heart
Next to mine
She's the sweetest love I could find
So I guess I'll be hunting high and low"
Seven years though, and they were still here at the same place that they had entered the marriage in. Sure, they had moved from Shevat to Lahan but their emotional connection had plateau'd. No change whatsoever except for a deepening of their friendship. There were still things that she did not know about her husband, things that she did not want to pry into. He was entitled to his secrets, his mysteries though she longed to know more about him, about what he thought, what he felt. Did he feel anything at all?
She glanced over at her husband's profile as he slept and her breath caught at the chiseled profile, his long locks of raven hair spread over the pillow and his head turned, a slight clenching of his fingers into bedsheets as he stirred, still fast with slumber. His lips parted very briefly.
"Hmmmmm.. Sigurd.." That voice said achingly, unknowing of what he revealed so readily in his sleep. Yui turned her head away so that she could not see her husband's profile anymore. A sharp dart going through her heart at the mere word and unshed tears threatening to spill out onto her pillow.
She had no clue who this 'Sigurd' was but she had a feeling that he held more of her husband's heart then she did and that somehow saddened her. Her throat constricted as she slowly and silently pushed the covers back, the air of their bedroom suddenly becoming more stifling then she could bear.
There's no end to the lengths I'll go to
High and Low
Do you know what it means to love you..."
Pulling her robe over her nightgown, she raked a few fingers through her hair and crept out of the bedroom. Leaving her husband alone to the sacredness of his dreams that held no stock with her. She had respect for that, respecting that her husband loved someone else. But she would not allow herself to crumble, just as her husband she had mountains of inner strength. Perhaps the reason why he had married her, because in her he had found a woman that was just as strong as himself. Yui slipped out of the house and stood out in the yard that held a good view of Lahan.
Placing herself on a tree stump, she glanced out with almost unseeing grey eyes. Her vision was turned inward though, to her own soul that she had to thoroughly examine. Inwardly she tried to spot any flaws that she had that made herself unloveable to her husband.
"I know this marriage is not a sham, for we have Midori.. we have each other. I know he loves me even though he does not tell me all the time. But is.. is love enough?" Yui whispered into the crystal cool stillness of the night. The only response to her question was the chirping of crickets and they did not seem to overly contribute anything lasting to this conversation.
Waiting for something or someone to answer, but knowing that the only person out here with the capabilities to answer was herself.
Could she keep around, knowing that her husband longed for someone else in his bed? Knowing that little bit of knowledge and yet still continuing to smile through it all.
"I'm hunting high and low
And now she's telling me she's got to
I'll always be hunting high and low
Hungry for you
Watch me tearing myself to pieces
Hunting high and low"
"It should be enough, that I have -something- of him. He has given more more then I think I realize." Yui whispered as she bowed her head and a few teardrops stole from her eyes, allowing the sky to touch them where no one else could percieve that they even existed. "It is enough that he married me, that he loves me in his own way. Even if it is not the way in which I want him to love me." Yui whispered as she got up from the tree stump. Meditation and reflection done for the evening and somehow her mind becoming quite a bit clearer for her introspection.
They had built a life and she knew that her husband would not easily forsake that life. They had Midori, they had each other. The past was the past and she knew her husband enough.. to know that he would not jeopardize that.
But by chance if this 'Sigurd' should come back into his life. She had to ask herself if she had the strength to give her husband up. Could she watch her husband burn for someone else while she stood in the shadows and watched calmly? It might never happen. But what if it did? Yui's mind worked fastly as she entered the quiet house once again.
"I can only pray that the day will never come." Yui said, brushing a lock of flaxen blond hair out of her eyes as she scaled the steps up to their bedroom, once again entering the room and then walking over to the side of the bed where her husband slept. She spent the next few minutes gazing over every curve of her husband's face and body, the way that he slept on his side with his hand held underneath the pillow, black lashes caressing the skin underneath the eye like a blanket and looking like a fallen angel.. his beauty she had often though unworthy of herself. For she was rather plain and unremarkable looking though Citan had told her many times that when she smiled, she far surpassed every woman in the room.
There's no end to the lengths I'll go to
Oh, for you I'll be hunting high and low"
Very softly she kneeled down and lightly brushed her lips agianst his cheek and then whispered softly. "Your happiness is my happiness, Hyuga Ricdeau. I love you.. how much.. I don't suppose you shall ever know." She said softly and placed her hand softly agianst his heart, to feel the comforting beat of his heart.
After all it was enough to be with him, to bask in his light. Dreams could easily be put away and really the reality was much preferable to never having known him, never having loved him.
And Yui loved her husband, very much.
Loved him enough to keep trying, yet able to bow out when the time came. If ever the time came...