Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

  • Music:

~Do I love you.. love you still?, the truth is... I do~

This is my side of the collaborative effort with kurohyou. The premise being 'introspection' to the tune "The Truth Is.." which is the english vocalized version of Morning Glow from FFX-2 (which is the song that plays right at the start screen). I took on writing Baralai's version while Nooj's version can be found at kurohyou's version. ^_^

Pairing: Implied Nooj x Baralai with hints of Nooj x Baralai x Gippal.
Fandom: FFX-2
Length: LIke I count. *snickers*
Notes: Songfic as well as spoilers for FFX-2, so if you haven't played the game and intend on doing it.. then you shouldn't read it!

"Every I look,
I turn, it seems that you are there
Everyone I meet
I learn that they cannot compare."

Every so often the Praetor of New Yevon would take a break from being the leader. It was necessary for his sanity to do so, for heavy lay the head that wore the laurels and likewise responsibility of such a position. It was easy to see himself as the leader and forget completely the man who lay behind the role. Some say that it was a defensive mechanism to hide that which he did not feel the need to admit to himself.

All the roads that he had walked down would find themselves revisited. Though they were not roads that he had walked down by himself. No, he had the company of three others, but only two of them had meant anything to him. To narrow down the equation, only one held the key to his inner soul, moving him like the waves that caressed the sandy shore of Besaid Island.

Gippal and Nooj. Both could be counted to do their part in the Crimson Squad. Gippal was always quick to think and even quicker to act, always to be depended on to try to get the other members to loosen up. And then there was Nooj, Nooj of the legends. A enigmatic figure that had entranced Baralai from the first moment he had asked the Deathseeker his name. The gruff reply, subtly under-laced with pain had moved Baralai's sensitive heart. There had been an instinctive need in Baralai to want to comfort that man and perhaps even save him from himself. Looking into Nooj's eyes was like looking into a prison that was made for a soul that was too frightened to do anything but stare back at the world with defense eyes.

So Baralai started an operation of sorts. He had vowed to coax that animal out of it's cage, and tame it. He wanted to see Nooj smile and talk. It was a labour of friendship that very soon turned into a labour of love. Nights would be spent luring Nooj out with conversation like bits of bread and patiently waiting for the night when Nooj would take what was offered and offer something back in return

"Everything I see, I do
I touch, I think of you.
Every little thing in life
Leaves me so confused."

It had not been easy dealing with what fate had wrought over them. For Baralai saw Nooj. Unlike himself who granted interviews indiscriminately, he noticed that Nooj did not go out into the spotlight very often. There were comm-sphere interviews but they were not abundant and the interview would only last long enough for Nooj to give a brusque answer.

Baralai would look into the sphere, at Nooj and a wave of sadness overcame him with the knowledge that he never really saved that man. All his efforts had been for naught. He wondered if Nooj had even -been- sincere or had he faked it, every single bit of pleasure or smiles that Baralai had thought had been warm. He would hold that sphere and weep, not only for a lost soul.. but one that had hurt him so deeply. Twisted the knife in his own heart until it had bled red rivulet rivers of sorrow. Perhaps that had hurt worse then ever a simple bullet wound ever could of.

Their first real conversation where Nooj had spoken more then cavemanesque grunts. They had been walking along the moonflow in the evening and Gippal had gone ahead having been fascinated by the shoopufs. They had both looked into the moonflow at all the pyreflies and then Baralai had caught Nooj looking at him with a strange expression on his face. Baralai had told Nooj the legend of the moonflow then and then watched the very slightest smile play over his face. One that was not of derision but rather it bespoke sincerity at the time.

A conversation that did not end with something unintelligible, Baralai had enjoyed it.. walking at the Deathseeker's side as they conversed, with nothing except an offered truce of companionship if nothing else. That moment had given Baralai hope that he was on the right track and with each attempt, it became so easy to get through to Nooj. Grunts turned to words, glares turned to fathomless gazes for they were exceedingly better then the latter.

"Everything was so so clear
Before we tore apart...
Now all my passion's trapped inside
This lonely broken heart"

Words became sentances, sentances became seeming paragraphs in which they would spend conversing, hands nursing cups of tea and coffee. Nights spent in discussion, not just discussion, but verbal soul searching. Both their hearts came pouring out and into the same cup. So that when they took their hearts back out, they realized that they were twined irrevocably with the other. It had been almost inevitable that Nooj take some of Baralai's heart with him, enough for the loss now to hurt though it had been a joy so long ago to fall in love for the first time.

That fateful night in the Thunder Plains when everything changed, Nooj had asked him what it felt like to be in love and Baralai had answered quite honestly, describing how he felt at that very moment, and then tentatively telling Nooj that he had heard it said and not wanting Nooj to know about his feelings. However when Nooj's voice next caressed the evening air, they said something that Baralai had not expected the deathseeker to say. 'I feel that way, right now..' and there was no doubt in Baralai's mind who Nooj was talking about. It had to be him, right? Baralai let out a soft whispery sigh as he prepared to swallow his fear and go with what was in his heart

"Nooj.. I.. I think I've.. fallen in love with you.."

No words had been said in that moment when Nooj had managed to clear the space between them, no words had been needed as warm lips covered his own and he was drawn into arms that were strangely enough warm and protective. Lips parted and then Nooj looked down into Baralai's golden eyes and repeated those same words.

The thunder in the plains for once moment ceased to be threatening and everything was perfect, everything was -right- even as they went back for more of honeyed kisses and gentle caresses that had quickly turned heated underneath the stormy sky and was only interrupted briefly at the inclusion of Gippal who had caught them in a rather decadent embrace. Gippal had joined in, but it did not keep Nooj and Baralai's souls from twining so irrevocably as to be lost.

"So if you ask, if you must know..
I'll tell you, here's the truth
If you ask, if you must know
I wouldn't lie to you.
If you ask, if you must know
I'll tell you, here's the truth"

So it only stood to reason that looking at the comm-sphere broadcasts would make him weep, weep for that which he at one point had. Nooj's eyes were dead and he felt somehow responsible for that, for looking into eyes that resembled something that he would find in unsent. The futility of it never did Baralai mention to anyone else, nor the helplessness he felt whenever he had to see his troops face against Nooj's.

Baralai tried to tell himself that he no longer cared for Nooj in a brilliant act of self-deceit that would of worked had he managed to exterminate his feelings completely. But he could not eradicate his feelings, he could not convince himself to believe the lies that wanted to emmerge. His heart longed for Nooj, his body longed for it's mate and he realized he was only halfway living without Nooj.

That is what made it hurt, figuring that Nooj did not feel the same way. Of course Nooj wouldn't love him after doing something like that, betraying them with the bullets of his own gun. How could that be the fruits of a love that had been sworn under stormy skies? And no matter what crossed through his mind, Baralai tried to figure out -when- the tree had withered, what had brought it on.

And eventually his mind would hit on the Den of Woe which was where it had all fallen apart. It had been the catalyst toward something that Baralai knew that he could not control. Often times Baralai had found it ironic that Nooj had set up the headquarters just above the cursed place where Baralai was too afraid to set foot back into. It held too much bitterness for him. The Den of Woe, Baralai knew, had taken away his beloved, changed him into something that Baralai had not wanted to see.

But he could not lie to himself, for looking into the comm-sphere, just to see Nooj's face was enough. The curve of that jaw, the slight breathing marked by the movements of his chest. "Nooj... despite how you have changed, despite everything that has happened to us. I do not even have to ask myself this question for I already know the answer. If you were to come to me this day and plead forgiveness, I would forgive you. Forgive you and welcome you back into my arms."

But never did Nooj ever come, there was no announcement from the couriers saying that the Maevyn was here to see him. Despite all the hope that perhaps Nooj would cave and each moment that the knock on the door sounded only to be some lesser official of New Yevon. He eventually became used to it, used to the sinking feeling of disappointment that would accompany the opening of every door.

"Do I love you, love you still
The truth is.. I do."

"It does not get any easier.." Baralai murmured to himself as he stood on the cape that overlooked the setting sun on the Mi'hren highroad, right outside of Rin's travel agency. The sky was painted a symphony of reds and golds, it had not been the same sunset as that evening though it resembled it quite a bit. Baralai remembered the gut-feeling of misgiving that had threaded through him, an intuition that perhaps the mission was not all that they would have it seem. He had tried to tell Nooj both about it but they had been too intent on what lay ahead to indulge his misgivings. After a while hearing them casually dismiss it caused Baralai to think that perhaps it was just nervousness and an over-active imagination melding into one.

Feelings of trepidition still lingered even as he watched Nooj approach his bed and slip underneath the covers. The embrace had started gently enough before it had been Baralai to bring the desperation into it. His lips turning passionate, hands that tried to grope anything that he could hold in the need to be one with Nooj that superceded all else. No questions were asked in the moment that it took for Nooj to suitably respond.

The spark of warmth had turned into a blazing tulmult of desire from which there was no escape. A nagging in Baralai telling him that it could be their last.. everything. To make hay while the sun still shone, that is what Baralai did. Nooj's movements became his own as their bodies went everywhere on that bed, his right leg twining against a machina limb even as he felt Nooj's hoarse breath and ragged moans accompanied by sure thrusts.

"And without you here,
The sky turned a new shade of clear
A new rain of tears
And without you here..
My body's a lonely frontier
An ocean of fear"

Baralai swiveled on his heels so that he could look on the travel agency that held so many memories. His golden eyes glazed slightly as his mind replayed the events of that day when they had returned to the travel agency. All four of them standing there discussing what had to be done and vowing to move their separate ways. They did with Paine video taping that parting. Himself and Gippal moving off to where they would part ways at Luca no doubt. However before they knew what hit him, Baralai felt a bullet plunge into his back and he fell forward. The pain was only superceded by the tears that instinctively filled his eyes as he fell to the ground in what seemed like an eternity.

He could hear Nooj's laugh ringing out with the setting sun, a painful sound as the light of Baralai's consciousness finally clicked off.

However long he had been taken out, he woke up a day later at Rin's travel agency, alongside Paine and Gippal. The only one who was nowhere to be seen was Nooj who had taken off. For the longest time Baralai was left to question how Nooj could of bastardized the feelings that he had for him. He sank in and out of depression however he pressed on, intent on seeking out the Maester Seymour and gain sanctuary there.

It was only the pain that he felt at having been betrayed by Nooj that had allowed him to trade his body for the shelter that only a Maester could give him. He would lay there, underneath Seymour's pistoning body, thinking about anything -but- the present moment, reminding himself that he needed to survive just like anyone else and that he could not sit around and pine over the past.

Even though he wanted to pine, he wanted to keep that memory of him and Nooj and bring it to life. But memories when all was said and done did not keep one safe at night. Baralai could think pragmatically about this even as he locked up the romantic part of himself that he had allowed Nooj to see. He had no use for it whatsoever anymore.

"So if you ask, if you must know..
I'll tell you, here's the truth
If you ask, if you must know
I wouldn't lie to you.
If you ask, if you must know
I'll tell you, here's the truth"

His moment of introspection departed like the wind as he took a deep breath and tried to put back on the mask that he wore for New Yevon. The mask had no fear of what the future brought nor did he take stock in the past. The mask considered Nooj an enemy and likewise hid the tendrils of Baralai's emotions well so that no one could see it. As with all of these introspections, he needed them.. needed them to prove that he existed beyond the title and that blood and not ice ran through his veins.

Only when he thought about Nooj could he go on surviving, pushing all the thoughts and memories aside so that he did not have to deal with them. Often times he wondered if Nooj did the same, thought of him. He highly doubted it but something inside of him told him that Nooj did. It was not something that Baralai actively acknowledged, not wanting to be hurt once again by something beyond his control, after all he was pragmatic. Pragmatic people did not cry for yesterday.

But sometimes he would allow himself to think, letting everything out for observation. Knowing that once those moments were done, he would put them back on the shelf and go on being the praetor of New Yevon who walked hand in hand with the gods of duty and service.

Leaving the Mi'hren Highroad though, Baralai would allow himself one look back, and then to an unseen presence he would whisper almost softly. Whisper it before he had to lock it back up inside. "I love you... Nooj.." and he would hope that it was carried to Nooj, suspended on silver wings.

That would have to be enough for however long a lifetime could last.

"Do I love you, love you still
The truth is.. I do."

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