Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

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~I refuse to think you're so far away~

And I wrote the Baralai songfic last night.. *grins* This is of course for Kuro who has been pestering me to write it. *bows* Thank you very much.. hopefully she likes it.. I think it turned out rather well. Now warning. The link below contains SPOILERS so please don't click on it unless you want to be ruined.

It also features yaoi so the same warning applies, do not click on the link unless you are okay with the concept of homosexuality. Nothing graphic though..

What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
I can't hear you .
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you

Often times the Praetor of New Yevon would sit up on the balconies and look out onto Bevelle with that trademarked calm expression on his face. He would perch with a good book and watch the setting sun. Perhaps it was another way of grounding himself. Keeping that cool that he was notoriously known for. Nothing every faced Baralai, absolutely nothing. That was both his virtue and his vice and often times Nooj and Gippal had teased him about it.. about how it took something short of a warship to disturb that inner calm. Perhaps that is how he aspired to the Praetor of New Yevon. It was enough for him to be able to stand out there on the balcony and address the followers of New Yevon.

He was supposed to give them hope, he was supposed to tell them the way in which they must go. And oftentimes that meant skirmishes with the Youth League that was ran by the notorious Maevyn Nooj. It was lucky that the Machina faction stayed out of the way more often times as not, not to get dragged into the little fights and wars that burst up all along the Mi'hen Highroad, Mushroom Rock Road and the other various locations all leading up to Bevelle.

But little did many of the people realize that the rival factions of the Youth League and New Yevon had their basis in a far more painful event of the past. An event that took place nearly two years ago.

For a brief moment, Baralai allowed himself to remember...

I remember everything you said that night
In your loneliness
Your heart was with me
And I know you will come through
I felt your pride
But you held my hand
And stood so bravely

When Baralai had joined the Crimson Squad, he had been an impressionable boy who had been eager to do anything to combat the threat that was Sin. It was painful because his parents had gotten killed in an attack and the pain that he had felt, well he had vowed to help combat that pain so that others could live their lives happily and without the tears that he had to shed at such a young age.

Immediately he had gotten classed into a team with a nearly legendary warrior by the name of "Nooj the Undying" and Gippal, an Al Bhed with a characteristic obsession with Machina. Immediately Baralai developed a strong respect for both men.. for Nooj was always so brave in the face of danger.. and Gippal, well Gippal was the most enthusiastic man that Baralai had ever had the pleasure of meeting. The first time since his parents had passed away that Baralai actually felt part of a family, a close knit group of people.

And Baralai came to know the men for who they -really- were. Nooj, oh dear sweet Nooj who went into battle with a deathwish and yet who defended his allies almost as bravely as he put his own life on the line.. and Gippal, Gippal who was the one to prod Baralai into making sure to pack the s'mores.. like he could need -any- more of a sugar rush to face the nights he would spend up and working on machina.

Baralai came to respect them as individuals.. individuals that formed their squad. He came to look upon them as -more- then friends. Almost as packmates.. they ran together and together they howled at the moon, dared anything to bring them down.

Everything has changed
Nothing feels the same
Are you lonely where you are right now?
In my dreams I see you
I can feel you here somehow

Somehow they became even more then that. It had been on the Thunder plains where they had set up camp. They -had- to due to the fact that Nooj in himself was a walking, talking lightening rod with all of his machina-based appendages. Gippal had gone off to post a letter to Rin and Baralai and Nooj had taken shelter underneath one of the towers and set up camp. And Nooj had seemed so edgy at the thunder rolling across the plains and so Baralai offered him chocolate and they talked. It was one of the first times that him and Nooj had a decent talk.

It was beautiful and in that few moments Baralai -knew- that he loved his companions. And for different reasons. He loved Nooj and Gippal because they seemed to complete the perfect triune of Mind, Body and Soul. Nooj's strength, Gippal's mind, and his own heart. Together they were invincible, and together they could certainly stand tall and shake the heavens.

That night all three of them confessed their feelings, confessed and made love under that shelter. A perfect melding of how it should've been all along. And for once they all found something to truly live and believe in. Baralai and Gippal noticed to their satisfaction that Nooj did not sink into his usual fits of fatalistic musings.

Reality and dreaming feel the same
Whenever I'm with you
It must be real
If the way I feel is really just another side illusion too..
I don't believe that your close to me
Whereever you may be

But things were never as simple as that. No, it never was. Their last assignment, the Den of Woes. It was the assignment that killed most of the other canidates for the crimson squad. How they escaped, Baralai didn't know. All he remembered was that Nooj suddenly changed as the pyreflies swirled around them. Suddenly changed and charged at all of them.

Baralai had not even realized it.. not until he felt that shot lodge in his back and he swirled around with shock on his face as he saw Nooj. The thoughts that had ran through his head.. what he had been thinking as he stared into those cold brown eyes. As he fell to the ground he had been inwardly crying. He had only noticed that Gippal fell as well.. and then Paine. And all he could do was scream.. scream out Nooj's name like someone who had been so thoroughly betrayed by someone that he had loved with ever fiber of his being.

And he had laid there for quite a while.. in his own blood, staring up at the ceiling of the cavern and wishing that he was dead.. wishing that Nooj had just gone ahead and aimed for his heart. For it would not of hurt as much.

What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
I can't hear you .
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you

Eventually him, Gippal and Paine made it out of the Den of Woe and headed their seperate ways. Baralai had headed back toward Bevelle where he came under the care of several of the physicians there.. and eventually he came into contact with Seymour. It was Maester Seymour that had given him amnesty and hid him from the military leaders who sought to finish him off, so dangerous that he should have knowledge of something that the military would rather have hushed up.

He did alot of things that he regretted in Seymour's company, he had become the Maester's little toy, both fuckable and otherwise. And he had been kept as far away as possible. Baralai's physical wounds healed without a hitch, his emotional wounds were a different story and the Maester used that to keep his hold firm on Baralai and prevent any chance of escape.

Only when Sin was destroyed was Baralai able to be free.. and he choose to go along with the teachings of New Yevon. To somehow erase the pain that the whole Yevon religion had become, to erase his memories of Seymour. It had been like an energy vampire on Baralai's soul and had left him with a bitter aftertaste.

Why should I believe in if my heart decides
To believe in you to return one day
If I close my eyes you're right there by my side
I refuse to think
You're so far away.

They had met on the battlefield, a skirmish between the Youth League and New Yevon. Pain in both of their eyes though they did not want to acknowledge it. Try to forget that it all happened, try to put that away from them.. however Baralai held bitterness for what had happened. Bitterness that welled up inside of their souls and prevented themselves from speaking. It was a question of pride that was unspoken between the two men.

Baralai had turned a cold shoulder and Nooj had done the same. They had walked away like two duelist at dawn, waiting for the other one to turn around and shoot. Something that had been so pure now had gone -so- wrong.

Ironic really the positions that they aspired to eventually.. leader's of their respectively chosen factions. Was it fate that cast them on opposite sides of the chessboard.. that made them look at each other as if they were enemies. Baralai could understand how Gippal could blow it all off and go on.. but unfortuantely he was not made of such stern stuff.. .it was his emoitons that wanted him to lash out, it was his emoitons that seasoned his rule as praetor even while everyone thought that he had managed to keep rational in such turbulent times.

Everything has changed
Nothing feels the same
Are you lonely where you are tonight
In my dreams I see you
I can feel you hold me tight

Yet, despite everything Baralai could not help but long.. hope that he would hear the sound of Nooj's cane slowly scrapping against the floor or see those brown eyes once again warmed with some emotions that were shared between him, Gippal and Nooj. Every day he stood on the balcony and waited.. and he never came. Perhaps hoping that Nooj would swallow his pride.. apologize, ease his fears.. come back to him.

But he knew as the sun set every evening that Nooj would never come. Because there had been too much that had happened and some things could never go back to what they had been before. He had to suck it up, he had to move on..

However nothing he told himself wanted to sink in. His heart still clung to that hope with all his heart.. did Gippal's mind and Nooj's body pull at them each night too? Did they look at the same evening sunset as he did and long for much simpler days?

Reality and dreaming feel the same
Whenever I'm with you
It must be real..
If the way I feel is really just another side illusion to..
I don't believe that I'm close to you
I know that much is true.

Perhaps he would never know. All he had were the memories of a oneness.. and the gaping wound where the two of them in his heart had been.

I don't believe you're close to me
Wherever you may be...

"Real Emotion" by Kristina Sa from FFX-2

Songfic by Nia Westphal

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