Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,
Jyuu
jyuufish

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~Musings at 2:36~

What should I type about, I am in a very reflective mood tonight. I get this way often. Occasionally I will pause from my yaoi-esque rantings to speak about personal matters. Tonight I have been feeling more then my share of weighty matters. So now I think I shall pick something personal to share with all of you... drawing from my vast knowledge and learning expiriences. I have had a harder life then most anyone ever truly realizes.



I think I feel like talking today about my childhood. I look at the child that I was and I have to think about how that child grew up to be -me-. Tanya Renee Warren, though that name.. sounds so surreal, so faraway. My first memories, I really have no memories before my 5th birthday. That is why sometimes I like to liken myself to Audrina from "My Sweet Audrina" by V.C Andrews because somehow time passed much the same way for me. (Audrina also shares my birthday, September 9th.. always had a special affinity for that book.. for that character.)

I lived with my grandmother most of my childhood.. actually all of my childhood. My child was filled with trips to disneyland, fanciful dreams and imaginary friends. I did not make friends easily because of my introspective nature. I was -much- like Midori from Xenogears. I did not even -speak- my first word until I was 4.. I did not even speak gibberish like most children according to my grandmother.. I was quiet and dutiful. I was old for my age, also mature. I concocted stories in my head, stories of true love and fantasy and such heart-rending loveliness

I did hold innocence then.. I held it in the small palms of my hands.. and then one day, it was taken from me.

And I have my Cousin, Ian to thank for it. I was 7 years old when I waved goodbye to the last vestiges as it flittered out the door.

After that single event, everything else came tumbling around me. My dreamworld turned out to have cracks in it, and I suddenly found that I could -see- them. The gold paint was evidentally peeling and my trust, my faith was inexplicably blown out like a candle in the wind.

After that I did not trust easily. I was emotionally wounded and theoretically nothing could really heal me except myself. I became even more withdrawn, it was then that I developed everything that I am now. My fatalistic ramblings, the way that I will grow melancholy, sinking into thoughts of myself. All is not love and smut in my mind.. though it would be much simpler if it were. All of these are products of a heart that has never been -quite- whole.

I wouldn't even -let- a man touch me until I was 15, all my dreams of romance went on in my head.. went on involving the heros that I created and the women I wanted to be. Corrine Graie. She is a product of such dreams.. she is the woman I did want to be at one time. In her I tried to depict the innocence that I had lost. Video game and anime guys were by far safer then real guys and I tended to crush on them rather then -real- guys. (I did have my crushes but they never went too far.. and I dated occasionally but never enough to actually -believe- that they were one.. it usually lasted until I realized that they couldn't give me back the part of myself that I had lost... really the only person that could do that was myself.. I just had to keep searching..)

My theme song.. when I was 13 years old I was playing with my Barbies. I remember it quite clearly, (Yes I was playing with dolls at 13.. if you are laughing then screw you.. ) And then suddenly a haunting melody came on the radio. I paused, I heard it and I really paused. And a tear slipped down my cheek.. because it hit a chord in me.

I had invariably hit upon my soul song. I believe that everyone has a soul song. You hear it and you just -know- that it is the theme song for your life.. for lives before the one you are currently in. It follows you from age to age and serves as a reminder of what exactly it that you are striving for.

"Came in from a rainy thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly.
Well now I turned on the lights the TV and the radio..
Still I can't escape the ghost of you.

What is happening to it all?
Crazy, some will say
Where is the life I recognize, gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
'pride will tear us both apart'
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops, runaway
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me,
Crazy some will say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away.

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Feared today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh here beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk.. blowing in the wind..

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every world is my world...

I will learn to survive.."


I knew instantly that was my soul song.. it hit such a profound chord in me. It still does even though I have heard it a few thousand times. it never fails to get me to pause for a few moments, takes me down thought trails of some other life.. or shows me memories of something that I had thought to forget.

I have one other soul song, and that is "Walking on the Milky Way" I will post the lyrics to that too..

"When I was only seventeen
My head was full of brilliant dreams..
My heart would call and I would gladly go

At twenty-one the world was mine,
I was yours and you're divine.
And nothing else would matter to us at all

I don't believe in destiny
I don't believe in love
I don't believe that anything will ever be enough

Man you should of seen us on the way to venus,
Walking on the milky way
It was quite a day.. hey hey.. hey hey
Walking like we're big stuff.. acting like we're real tough
Baby we were on our way

As time goes by,
Reality destroys your hope and dignity
There's nothing left but shadows on the wall
But just remember who you are
And where you've been
You've come so far..
And never ever let them see you fall

I don't believe in miracles
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe that anything can recreate your youth

Man you should of seen us on the way to venus
Walking on the milky way
It was quite a day
Walking like we're big stuff.. acting like we're real tough
Baby we were on our way."


Well I think I have puttered out my reflective mind.. so I think I shall retire to bed now. I don't know why I wanted to reveal so much tonight.. I do not normally do it.. Well at any rate, that is a part of my mind.. a part of what goes through it at times.



And on a lighter note, damn the last post that Rainfall posted to me for her Laguna muse.. damn that post was HOT! *fans self* I got her addicted on the Kiros x Laguna muse. *grins* I like how she plays Laguna.. we both play our Laguna muses differently, it is very fascinating to study.

Anyways night everyone. *huggles*

~Nia~
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