April 3rd, 2007

Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~Welcome to the world, Midori Oriah Smith~

*Note: I will lapse between Jennie and Mish alot.. to clarify, they are the same person

Well this may be a long update, who knows.. but I can certainly assure all of you out there that I am tired with a capital "T". I think I'll let that lead me into the events of everything that happened starting monday morning. The past few days have just sort of run together like something sticky and there is nothing I want to do rather then fall asleep.

Monday morning rhasodyofbliss started having regular contractions, the sort of spacings that we were told that if they happened like that, then we should just start up there toward Northern Michigan hospital. Mish had an appointment there anyways so I just went along with her, driving all the way to Petosky and trying to make the drive there as comfortable as possible despite the random ditches. We get there and get examined by one of her midwives, Debbie, and then the midwife tells us not to go back to the Sault. So instead we book into a hospitality room and sort of cool our heels there. I try to make her as comfortable as possible, I distract her with Guragieve and Anubial (Simoun) waff via the notepad and then Todd arrives and we start getting her into all the various positions that are supposed to ease contractions.

This lasts until around 5:30 and then we finally think that Mish is sort of woozy enough that she -has- to be admitted into her birthing suite, and so we go take care of that, and that is not the start of the definite adventure but it is the start of when I just start to become exhausted.

There is something very very wearing about watching the woman you are in love with suffer excruciating contractions, this was thought yesterday evening when she just got too delerious and exhausted to think. I was perhaps relieved to get out and do something which involved picking her mom up from a flight that was in short words hellish as well. (My heart really went out to Mish's mom.)

Before I went it was decided that Mish would need a shot of morphine to relax and really I agreed, but the shot wouldn't be given until her mom came. (since Mish wanted to be lucid for that). So at 11:47 I pick up her mom and bring her back from the airport, feeling perhaps totally worn. We arrived back at the hospital at 12:30 (with me driving slow so I didn't crash from the tiredness) and then Mish got to see her mom and I felt very accomplished and happy. (since pretty much a good deal of yesterday was spent thinking that perhaps I was just a shade of useless)

The morphine shot didn't come until 1:45 am. After we gave Mish her goodbye hugs, her mom and I headed back to the hospitality house to scrap up any bit of sleep we could. (though seriously, I knew sleep wouldn't come easily to me, and true enough I was tossing and turning). Only to wake up at 7 am to repeat the process so that we could go see how Mish was doing.

She was so totally drugged which I am sure made her contractions alot less painful. It would probably energizer her for what was going to be the hardest part of it I suppose.

Now flashing back, because my stream of consciousness goes everywhich way right now and I have to go back to make certain points. They gave her the morphine because she needed to relax in order so that her cervix could dilate past 1 cm. Luckily when she woke up she was at 3.. but she hovered at 3 for 5 hours and her body was getting tired so they had to break her water, which would sort of get the ball going. Then that was when the contractions started coming up... in greater force enough for her to dialate to five. That was around 1:30 I would suppose. However every time they checked her cervix for dialation, I just had to wince.. because I could tell that they were really hurting her. That is another emotion I felt, I heard her cry out and it just made me anguish. I can understand how Todd could be strong, but it was almost impossible for me to, every time she cried out, I wanted to rush to her side, grab her hand, hold it, kiss it, tell her to breath and tell her that I loved her.

I couldn't stop those little forms of affection that sort of don't come from me. It's rare for me to kiss anyone on the cheek or hold their hands, but I found myself doing that for Mish, trying to get her to be strong, and hoping that a bit of my love could sort of add on to Todd's and just make her stronger. By nature I am not a public display of affection, emotionally I guess you would call me stunted like that. But I couldn't withhold any little encouragement that I could get to Mish... and I didn't want to.

But there was a moment when even I cracked. I had to flee the room so that I could call up pimp_kitten and just cry my heart out to him. He's good for those random little splurts of emotion. He's known me longer then Mish has and knows every why and wherefor of me. So I probably went into more depth about what I was feeling to him.

When I returned to the room, it was to find out that Mish was getting an epidurial despite what she had anticipated wanting. I couldn't blame her, because she was in so much pain and I didn't want her to go through that so I was glad, I was able to hold her hand until the anthestist came in to give her the epideural and she was able to be hooked up to some monitors that would determine the vital signs of the baby in her uterus.

Her mom and I were shoo'd out of the room to wait in the waiting room, being that the room would get cramped.

And then comes the scary part, the part that scared me to the deep part of my soul.. Mish had complications. To soothe you all, She is alright now. But evidentally when Todd was in there with her and they were administering it, the baby's heartrate started to drop due to the stress, and so she was prepared immediately for a C-section. I didn't know about this, neither did her mother... but Todd came in dressed in scrubs and told us there were complications and she had to have surgery. Both her mother and I just started to cry and hold each other's hands, because it wasn't any more clear then that.

I seriously just started imagining every thing that could go wrong would. My mother died from birthing complications and so anything with childbirth sort of hits VERY close to home with me, I started freaking out, I was just so very scared, because I imagined losing Jennie in a single second, and that thought.. I don't think there could of been a more painful thought to me then that. It far eclipsed any pain I could think of.. even the anguish of being helpless, of hearing her cry out in pain.

Though 20 minutes later, Todd came back in and told us that the baby and Mish were alright. That at 4:06 PM, Midori Oriah Smith had been brought into the world and that she was currently in NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) and Mish was in post-op recovering due to a dangerous dip of her blood pressure during the surgery. Then we saw Midori being wheeled out, crying in protest, really the cutest and pinkest baby ever. And then an hour later, we were admitted into the room to see Mish.

With all of those people in there, Todd and Mish's mom. I tried not to cry. But it was hard, I refused to cry until they all left because I do not like being vulnerable, and yet when I was able to hold Mish's hand, let her stroke my cheek, I felt better and it kicked in the fact that I wasn't losing her tonight. We talked about her expirience, we talked about how worried I had been, we managed to do some muse talk but most importantly, I got to sit there along with Mish and just stroke her hand, her leg.. letting my affection ripple over her. Unaccountably joyful, even though I still couldn't stop crying, but this time I think that it was tears of joy.

And when Todd came back, I couldn't help but give him a very big hug too... we hugged each other and I could hear him tremble, I knew he had thought the very same thing that I did. It a way we became kindred souls, both two stars that wanted to guard and protect Jennie no matter what. I was so glad that he was there to be with her, that he was also able to keep strong.

Once Todd and his mom came back from dinner, I took the keys up so that I could drive the two hour drive back to the Sault in order to pick up Mish's mom's bags over at the airport that she was -supposed- to have arrived to, and then head back to the house to feed Twister, Dixie and Prim. I was exhausted but I was careful driving back.

I am tired and I am going to go to bed now. But that is my account of the past two days. I will wake up, shower, get myself something to eat (too tired to eat now) and then I will head back to the hospital to stay with Jennie. It has been a harrowing couple of days, but you know.. I'm left with a sense of satisfaction.

Good night everyone!
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