January 3rd, 2005

Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

(no subject)

I dreamt about her again.  Oh but I probably shouldn't even type it here.. perhaps I should put it in my more private journal.  But once again, no matter how well my evening went, and how much I smiled, I still woke up with an upset stomach and a longing, that will disappate as the sun starts to come out.

You know, it's the truth when they say that the darkest hour is just before dawn.  That is how it feels for me.  One day I will sleep past the darkest hour.. and wake when the sun is shining and streaming through my window.  But until then I can only pray that dawn comes soon.  That I do not have to wait for the sun to shine.

I also noticed this morning when I looked in the mirror that there are bags underneath my eyes.  Pure exhaustion, that is what it is.  Not in the physical sense, no.. but rather in the emotional sense.  I can keep hanging on though.. and it will get better.  In -fact-  I went to sleep last night WITHOUT sleeping pills.  That is a very good thing in my book.  For the past week I've been relying on sleeping aids to help me close my eyes.  And since that is a first, that is pretty damn monumental.

That also means that the sleep I did get was pure sleep.. and not pills induced sleep.

"Maybe this time tomorrow.. the rain will cease to follow..
And the mists will fade into into one more today."

Tezuka should not be allowed to sing Do-wop.. -_-;  I swear the song on my playlist is just WRONG.
  • Current Music
    Okiayu Ryoutarou - KIMI WO SAGASHITETA
Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered


Alexi and I had an argument.  Actually it was more like me forgetting the registration.  And then he sort of nails into me for EVERYTHING that has happened this past week. 

And he tried to bring Kuro into it.    And you know what I said.  I told him to go FUCK himself. 

He was floored, angry, but floored.. since in the majority of our marriage, I've never told him to go fuck himself -once-.

Then I went and did what any Virgo does when she is pretty much upset..  clean.  And I cleaned the whole house in an hour. 

I am still emotionally distraught, he just came out and -forced- me to get on my computer to try to relax myself.  He tried to hug me but I pushed him away.  -_-  I'm still kinda bleary eyed.
  • Current Music
    Robbie Williams - No Regrets
Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered


*chomps on Crab Rangoon*  I am actually eating because I want to eat and not because I -have- to.  Mark this up to something -very- good.  Appetite is back..  ROCK!
  • Current Music
    Culture Club - Miss Me Blind
Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~Written.. hurrah~

The healing has started.  I can feel it work through me.

I possess alot more clarity then I did five days.. no even a week ago.  Logically my mind and heart have reasoned that it is for the best and that I am doing no favor to either Kuro or myself.  Kuro would not want me to mope and depress, not if she truly loved me.  And in my heart I know she did.  (And I was lucky to be the benefactor of such love for even a short bit of time)  Our relationship was fraught with flaws, flaws that I was not even aware of until the blinders were ripped from my eyes.  Did it mean that I loved her any less?  Of course not.  A wiseman once said that we are never left unchanged by a relationship.. that they leave prints of beautiful memories.  Kuro was an ephermeal and beautiful vision of summer to my at times darkened mind.  I will always remember her fondly and perhaps one day we will meet again.. be it online or IRL.  But forward is where I am prepared to go now.  With confidence and style. (don't I sound like an Utena preview.. *snickers*).  I do not miss her muses, I miss the spirit behind them that gave them such fire.

However there are a few people in the future who have given me an infinite ammount of strenght.  And I'm going to list them right now.  Perhaps say a few personalized lines to them.
fox_reed:  Your courage and strength, the way you offered comfort to both of us.. it just leaves me in respect and admiration.  It takes strength to remain friends with a couple once split.. and there is nothing but respect and adoration from me.  Ice is -very- lucky indeed.

hojit / reunion:  Knowing that you were in a poly relationship, I asked you the most important question that plauged my mind, and you answered me truthfully.  Your insight about how to handle jealousy was insightful... You also did so much to comfort me..  be it a song or otherwise.  Sometimes it is the small things that are the most appreciated.

lostangelssong:  Second chances are a luxury, not a responsibility.  And with my clarity came the realization that I was trying to fit you into the wrong hole.  You gave me a second chance and you gave me the opportunity to fit you into the -right- niche in my life.  I cannot offer you much but I can offer you what I could not give you a year ago.  True and honest friendship with no hidden longings or desires.  A place as a confidante and a sister, if you chose to accept it.  And then you will attain such a status as Xandria and Jesse.. who are like siblings to myself as well.

dissonanceburn:  I had to apologize to you because with situation came an overwhelming need to seek closure from everyone that I thought perhaps I had misjudged and/or wronged.  Your forgiveness was outpouring and once again it's something that I do not think I deserve.. but it was there.  Funny thing that had I not been so busy being jealous of you, I would of realized what an AMAZING person you were (and what great taste in music you have)  It is my sincere hope that we remain friends.

squidflakes:  You have made me laugh, inspiring reactions in me other then blaise 'i so do not care' attitudes.  It is also nice to know that you have given me comfort during the past week of darkness.  I look forward to more pictures of tentacle love.. ALL HAIL ULTROS!

xandria:  I have so much to say about you.  Intensely beautiful and fauceted (You know how I pronounce stuff) by expirience, your letter brought tears to my eyes.  Not just because it brougth insight but also because I knew the pain (physical) that it probably caused you to write it..  I can honestly say from the part of my soul that does not normally say these things instantly, that I love you.  Forever will you have a key to my inner sanctum which you may use whenever you will.  Thank you <3

shahni:  There are the people who give me logic, then there are the people who help me to lighten up.  You helped me to remember that my Jin muse still exists, who in turn is helping me to realize that "It doesn't have to be serious".  Being the carthesis for that, I can only thank you.  You let me ramble and rant to you, and get teary eyed.. but you did not hesitate to cheer me up.  Much <3 to you!.

fairyfey:  Your support has been amazing, and your quiet gentle guidance has done me a world of good.  Thank you so much for just being there, for offering a little touch of encouragement here and there.  It has been truly healing.

mistressboleyn:  One day, Jin and Sephiroth will find that they are more alike then they want to admit.  Thank you for being there, for striving to get my mind off of matters.  Those little muse-arguments did alot to bring smiles to myself, especially when I think about how indignant Sephiroth is.. and how mischevious and loki-ish Jin is.  *hugs to you* Thanks!

littletrowa:  With the old friends, there comes the new.  You recently joined my journal.  However I appreciate your friendship just as much.    And so far the conversations we have been having have been awesome.  It brings me to the realization, that even though I lose friends, I do make new ones.. that while they cannot fill the place of old friends.. they serve to make my heart just a little bit bigger in order to accomodate them all! *hugs*

mamorunooni:  Last but not least.  You came online right as I was entering the most difficult time, my darkest hour..  you are truly my twin..  for we seem to share expiriences evne over the miles.  I know I do not have to say much.. because you know how much you mean to me anyways.

I know I am probably missing alot of people.  Please forgive me if I am.    But I am just overflowing with happiness..  and it's just.. a wonderful feeling.

Goddess bless all of you.. and everyone on my friend's list. ^_^
  • Current Music
    Styx - Show Me The Way