December 18th, 2003

Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~Better left said.. then unsaid~

I suppose that everyone is wondering to know the exciting details from my last very cryptic post. Well as you all know.. (and even those of you who are new and do not. I have been trying to fool myself into thinking that I was straight. And it has been eating me up inside. I have not felt sexually attracted to my husband in like 7 months approximately. In fact before then I got unreasonably jealous.. and then suddenly, I was not so much. Sex, well sex was an ordeal better left out of the equation. I still loved him though, I just felt bad because of the intimacy or lack thereof

And today it came out. It came out over a really silly reason but nevertheless it did.

Now I have always been fickle, those of you who know me best. However I am the prince of illusions. I try to put things in the back of my mind where they cannot get to... because I like to place myself in a little place called 'denial'. But yes, today I came out and told him.. because I could not keep it inside anymore.

And he was very understanding.. more understanding then I gave him credit for.

We are working through options, of which one of those is an open marriage... the other one is.. divorce. Now divorce would mean me giving up the cats.. and that would hurt.. it would also hurt because you know what.. my husband -is- my best friend. I do not know though, part of me knows that it would not be fair to him to.. keep him in this marriage. But then part of me.. part of us understands that we -do- have stability together.. we've built up a life. So we are not certain.

However it is easier to hug my husband now.. I found that out today after we talked. Part of me shied away from physical contact with him because I felt horrible for not being able to give him what he wanted.. he noticed that too.. but I don't know. My mind is still in a flurry of what is happening and what -will- happen. It is hard to admit to yourself that you are not attracted to the man that you married a good two years ago.. -_- I don't know. *sighs*

His mom will probably hate me, his best friend, Shari already does. *He's on the phone with her right now* Well he's talking to her about what he got his mom and dad for christmas now so I think that they are done talking about me. Oooh goody. -_- Well at any rate, I brought this on myself... so I have to accept full consequences.
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