October 10th, 2003

Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~A sigh escape from heaven~

You know, strange enough I do not know what to feel. First of all I just woke up after sleeping off most of my hangover. I called it an early evening with twistedrper666 because of it. Well she called an early morning and I am not sure if she called it because I was quite -clearly- hung over and not going according to my usual abilities. Evil is okay when you are -drunk-. It is not okay when you are hung over. Yitan Mnemosyne now has Magus in his clutches and needless to say August is -thisclose- to going beserk.

I should post pictures of these lovely people that I RP.. *hurms* Hold on.

Magus Bainbridge and Yitan Mnemosyne I have been RPing Magus for over 6 years now I suppose. He is my most favored of RP Cs up there with Citan Uzuki. (As much as Citan will say that I hate him)

And now I guess I am a -little- bit depressed. Depressed because right now I have a song stuck in my head. It is my song that fits my current mood..

I've been watching you awhile
Since you walked into my life
Monday morning when first I heard you speak to me
I was too shy to let you know
Much to scared to let my feelings show
But you shielded me and that was the beginning.

Now at last we can talk in another way
And though I try
I love you is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel

My beating heart begins to race
When I turn to see your face
I remember that sweet dream which you talked to me
I wanted just to be with you
So we could make the dream come true
And you smiled at me and that was the beginning

Now at last we can talk in another way
And though I try
I love you is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel.

Tell me what you're thinking of
Tell me if you love now
I had so much I longed to ask you
But now the chance has gone
While your picture fades each day
In my heart the memories stay
Knowing that your always smiling
And I will hold you close.


And the only one who could probably understand -exactly- what that song means and why I am depressed is obakesama He is the male version of me. We were split at birth, exactly one year and one day apart. We -should- of been fromt he same womb. Disturbingly me and him go through major life changes AT THE SAME TIME We both hit rock bottom this summer.. we both hit pay bottom when I broke up with Mel and he left Mar y Sol.

What else should I rant about. Oh I know I know.. I will rant about Mel.

Actually no I would rather not.

Despite popular belief I am still just a little bit obsessed with her and to talk about her would not be good at well.

Damn it I loved that woman, I loved her with every single ounce of being in my soul. She can protest that I did not love her all she fucking wants to but I did. I would of done anything. I joined the MILITARY because of her. I submitted myself to two months of sheer and unmitigated hell so that I could get closer to her. And hey look! I am talking about her -anyways-. Well then I might as well continue.

How did we meet. We met in the chat room I used to go to. The Valley of the Lunar Rainbow I remember our first conversation. It was over FF7 because she had just gotten a playstation and wanted to know what games to get so I told her to get FF7 and Suikoden. I was in college, I was going out with Preston. (the thought of that name makes my stomach go raw. Now he was -no- picnic-. He was a fanatical christian.) and Mel was a friend of my friend Gabe's. (Mel had a crush on Gabe at the time.) We ended up RPing of course and then talking on AIM. We both hit it off quite instantly and she became my -best- friend in that room. I had her on alert and everything. I'd just get giddy when she got online. That is when I knew I had started falling for her.. and oh I knew I was hooked when I got irrationally jealous when I heard that Kasey was cybering with her. Of course at that time I was oh.. turning 19 and still in somewhat of denial about my sexuality.

But I sent her an email probably a year after we had known each other, saying in so many words that I liked her.. alot. And then I watched her get online and then I spent an agonizing 10 minutes thinking "Oh my gosh, I shouldn't of sent that email" Because as much as I would like to -say- that I am bold. I really am not. I am as shy as you get at least when it comes to my feelings and -letting people in-. I do not let in many that is for certain.

And she responded back after those 10 agonizing minutes. Saying that she did like me, and therefore my world got 10 times better. Then I allowed Mel to write an email to Preston telling him that she turned me gay. -_- That is where I got my thewitchesthree@hotmail.com account. My email used to be Angelnia@something or other. But Mel created the account and then gave me the password once she was done. It was our little secret I suppose.

Well at any rate it was all well and good until circumstances happened that really cemented it. Perhaps it was stress on both of our parts. I know I was stressed the summer we broke up. Joining the military and then after graduating from basic training, two weeks pass and then my grandmother -dies- (and anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother was the very most important person in my life at that time aside from Mel and Jesse)

But things ended, they ended in fire and brimstone and all that good stuff because evidentally Nia cannot keep relationships.

Nia should not be allowed to get close to -anyone-. Because she starts caring.. and then soon after she starts hurting. And then if that is not enough she starts hurting the ones she loves. One big, never-ending -fucking- cycle of love and devotion that ends up turning on the sadistic side.

I am a closet case, really I am. -_-

Much like Jesse, I think I need professional help.

And wow, ending this post off, "The Melody of the Lute" plays.

Cheers Jesse. *raises glass drinks it down.. even though it is only ice water*
  • Current Music
    FF Celtic Moon - Melody of the Lute
Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~New resolution~

My ni-san said that he was going to start using his journal to vent himself and I realized in a bit of lucidity that I have been posting alot of things to convince myself that everything was alright. When I know it isn't. So I am going to start using my journal also as a place to do the long drawn out heart to heart thing. (The nonsense will also be there.. but that isn't the -only- thing that is my life and I had to realize it.)

Of course he deleted his journal but I cannot just do that

Invested too much time in this thing.

*rakes fingers through hair*

Me and my husband had an interesting discussion about yaoi tonight. I think he knows I am a lesbian, he was joking of course but he basically put it like. "You and your friends have issues with gender.. a bunch of lesbians playing a bunch of gay guys, I fail to see the point" I didn't know what to say about that. And then he told me that all my female characters are typcial because they are all faghags and hate straight me.

Do I -hate- straight men?

Oooh boy. I don't know I really don't.
  • Current Music
    Nobuo Uematsu - Au Palais De Verre