February 25th, 2002

Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered

~Pure Again~ *Tanya's Song*

{wasurekaketa nanika wo sagashinagara
kegare no nai tsubasa wo dakishimetai}

As I search For something I was beginning to forget
I want to hold on tightly To the wings of purity


What I have always wanted to be was pure.. once I was pure.. pure as the driven snow. A child where nothing else mattered but my own little world. I admit that I can be a little bit naive. But naivity can be a strength as well as a weakness.. wasn't it Utena's strength yet her downfall?

Occasionally I will remember something, and it will make me feel like how I was -before-.. before I met reality. It is something that is even before childhood, something before this tangible life even.

{namiuchigiwa ni umoreteta kanashimi no kaigara
hirotte aruita hibi wa mou sutete shimaou}

The shell of sadness was being covered by the crest of a wave.
Those days I was picking my way through, already have to be cast away.


I have hurt too much in this life, I did my numerology report, and one of the subchallenges was a 0.. which means that I either had little challange or else challenges came from everywhere. Yes that is the truth, I have been through it all in my childhood, like a well-read V.C Andrews book. I am just emmerging from the influences of that. What is sad is that I can never get that time back yet I can't bear to remember most of it. It only started to end when my grandmother died, my ties to my family were broken and I decided to fly away to make my -own- way.

{suna no nemuri ga sameru koro shiawase no hana taba
kaze ga hakonde kite kureta mou furikaeranai}

When the sands waken from their sleep.. A bouquet of happiness
Was carried over by the wind, no longer can I look back


I started my life with Alexi, he awakened me from my sleep.. he brought me his love.. and he gave me a little bit of my innocence back. Along with my religion, the peace of the goddess fills me with love and joy.. a emotion that I thought I would never truly feel again, however if I stop and re-evaulate my life.. I don't want to be pushed back to that point in my life again, I am scared of that. Scared that I will go back when the safest place I have had was with my grandmother and with Alexi.

{kono hoshi* no dokoka de egao ga umareteru
saa kimi to yukou te wo tsunaide}

Somewhere on this planet a smiling face is born
Well, I shall go with you.. please hold my hand


I feel like the bible story of Ruth, you know Ruth leaving her homeland to go, meeting Baez and following him as his servant and eventually his wife.. I left the home that I knew to start over again, and I found a heart that vowed to take me in.. his love comforts me.. it makes me cry sometimes, the beautiful things he whispers in my ear.. the way he cherishes me.. was there ever a woman so loved as me? I don't know, all I can do is speak for myself..however when I am in his arms, I feel like the world.. his world.. *sniffles* I am gonna cry now.

{wasurekaketa nanika wo sagashinagara
kegare no nai tsubasa wo dakishimetai}

As I search For something I was beginning to forget
I want to hold on tightly To the wings of purity

{sorairo ni somaru hitomi KIRA KIRA kagayaite
sugisatte yuku ano hibi wa mou tooi maboroshi}

Eyes dyed in sky-blue sparkle brightly
Those days that will pass us by are already a distant dream..


With him holding my hand, I feel like I can confront so much.. I feel like I could very well take on the world, I could spit in the face of my past.. in the face of my cousin, in the face of those that have doubted me.. for I have risen, I have succeeded.. and I will continue to succeed.

For those who hate me for what I have done, I can only say that I was following my heart... to do anything but wouldn't be true to myself. I am sorry if I hurt you.. I am sorry for not being all that you could of wanted or needed, I tried.. I honestly tried with my whole heart however I fell short of the mark, I fell short of the mark once you stopped giving me your all.

{omoide no kawa wataru tabi okubyou ni natteta
kedo kimi ga ite kureta kara
mou yuuki wo daseru}

The time I forded the river of memories I was becoming cowardly
However, because you were there for me
I could still put out courage

{kono hoshi* wa itsu demo yume ga afureteiru
saa kimi to yukou donna toki mo}

This planet is always Overflowing with dreams
Well, I shall go with you Always


For every dream I have lost.. there is always another one waiting for me.. for every dashed dream, there is a fragile one laying in my heart, ready for fruition...

{kowaresou na kokoro wo mamorinagara
kimi no atsui manazashi wo miteitai}

As I protect This seemingly-fragile heart
I want to be looking at your hot gaze


Alexi will be there for me though, no matter what I go through.. he will be there. But most importantly, I am a survivor.. and when the world falls apart around me, at least I will survive..

{wasurekaketa nanika wo sagashinagara
kegare no nai tsubasa wo dakishimetai}

As I search For something I was beginning to forget
I want to hold on tightly To the wings of purity


I am a survivor..
  • Current Music
    "Pure Again" from BoF3