Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

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Cross-posted to Xenogears: Star of Tears

It seemed like ages ago that Lahan had burned to the ground in the fiery pits of hell, but in reality it had only been a day at the most. He had remembered it vividly, the way the flames had danced while around them all chaos had broken loose. It was a good thing that he had managed to successfully keep his calm however somehow that had not been good enough. Still countless lives had been lost and while he had tended to the wounded as best he could. After a while he had to leave the nursing to Yui.

Not many of the villagers understood why he had left shortly after Fei had been cast from the still smoking remains of Lahan. To them, he was the 'good doctor' who patiently tended their ailments and offered serene advice to all their troubles. The eccentric to whom wierd noises could be attributed drifting down from the mountain. Wierd he might be, yes.. but above all he was reliable. To some of the villagers, his running off like that had been likened to the antics of a traitor.

But they did not need him, not truly. It was Fei who needed dealing with now. So he had left the villagers in the care of Yui with the suggestions that she take them up to Shevat where it was a great deal safer. A calm and serene parting between them and then a final hug to his daughter who was conceivably the center of his heart and then he made his way toward the Blackmoon Forest in the gear that had been the cataclyst for the whole confrontation. Weltall.

"These tears on a gaping void
Stretching arms match the hunger of mine
These lips.. will they never join?
Always draw me closer and further entwined."

Never had Citan Uzuki questioned Emperor Cain's orders. Though most certainly he -did- have a mind of his own. A mind that could reason through the most complex of problems, tying them up neatly like ends of strings. However for once in his life, Ctain was not so certain of the path that he was summouned to follow.

It had been under Cain's orders that Citan had been admonished to 'finish' Fei off at the first sign of trouble. However what Cain had -not- anticipated on was the fact that Citan had come to -care- for Fei. Quite honestly at first when he had recieved his orders to the surface, Citan and thought that he had his work cut out for him. Not knowing what to exactly expect from the young one but preparing himself for anything, he had not expected the loss of memory. He certainly had not anticipated on the last four years being a vertible -vacation- from the rigors of Shevite life.

The defining word for that though was peace, it was harmony with nothing to mar it's perfect surface.

And in the course of an hour, a single hour everything went from perfect to hell in a handbasket.

~It surely reminds me never to trust the relativity of time or the beckons of fate~ Citan thought wryly to himself as he plunged into the darkened forest, keeping his ears open for anything that would give Fei's coordinates away.

At first he was going to make it swift, the death. He had seen the lives lost, all were perfectly innocent. None had deserved the fate that befell them. But then halfway through the forest as the hooting of the owls and the whisper of the wind against the leaves, his mind began to reason different things.

"Will a promise dealer understand all feelings fade
To a point of view where many different pathways meet
And we're standing on this precipice
With nothing much to say
But with the deep blue screams
Of falling screams with our next move"

Fei -was- innocent, he did not know of what he did except that he -did- it. Citan rememebered the pain look in his limpid brown eyes. The pain that mirrored someone who knew not what he had done. Damn those eyes to the soul that made it all together -too- difficult to do the duty that he had been tasked to do.

~I have killed innocent people before therefore -why- am I so reluctant to exterminate Fei~ some part of his soul questioned. And for that Citan did not have nearly as many answers at the ready. It was one of those matters of the heart that he had to dwell over. Heavier matters have weighed on heavier souls.

~You have gotten close, Hyuga Ricdeau. Somehow between three years ago and now, you have come to look upon him as a son just as surely as Midori is your daughter.~ How easy it was to grow close and not even -know- it. Citan had faced similar things in his past, things which he had thought best to avoid in -nearly- all his relationships after Jugend. Midori had been the exception, Midori had been the answered cry to a deep aching lonliness that had never truly -left-. A lonliness he had bourne as a cross once he had become Guardian Angel of Solaris.

Such a personage did not -need- friends, did not need family. That was a liability, wasn't it?

"Heaven hide your eyes {Heaven hide your eyes}
Heaven's eyes will never dry"

But Midori was not Fei, and Fei was not Midori. So why? So how? His mind drifting back to evenings spent in the Uzuki living room. Where Fei would come barging in after Midori wordlessly made him wear the dreaded 'floppy' hat. Both Midori and Fei were innocent, and probably Fei being a little bit more so. Midori at least knew the thoughts of men if not their hearts.

That business was left up to Sigurd Harcourt.

And Citan refused to think of that particular subject, it still left quite a few hurts that had never completely healed. The scars still ran through the heart, a heart that he had continuously tried to reinforce with logic. But using a logic as a balm for the heart was like sandpapering the skin. Both left the other raw.

But he had not seen Sigurd in nearly 12 years and he highly doubted he -would-. No use in meditating up -that- particular tree.

"The shades of a thousand skins
Flashing by my face in the fury of war.
In desolation and abandoned fields
How will they make their stand
When they'll stand for no more?"

The benefit of the doubt, that is what he'd give Fei. He would -have- to do that. Because it was the only thing left to do. Everyone deserved a second chance. Yui had taught him at least that much when she had her katana blade aimed -right- at his throat. Showed him mercy when she could very well have -killed- him.

He knew he had gone into that battle with somewhat of a death wish. Pleaded for death even while he struggled to do the Emperor's bidding. Death and Citan went hand in hand. He had long ago accepted the trials that went with his life. Death partnered by the black tipped wings of Loss.

It was all apart of a cycle that was older then even him. Those dreams said as much. Dreams that flickered at the back of his mind and struggled to get out.

Dreams that troubled him with images of selfsaid death. A man that looked much like him, and his tawny haired lover with eyes the purest of blue. Two souls screaming out as two ships collided. Ending one life, and just as well ending the other even though the other lived on.

"Hear the passion in their voices
See the heaven in their eyes
All hopes and schemes
Are waiting dreams of less for paradise"

How many nights had he had that same dream and woken up in a cold sweat, reaching out for something to hold and finding -nothing-. At least not wanting to trouble Yui about it. It was not her concern, not her problem that her husband suffered memories that were not exactly -his-. It was surely a good thing that he was able to pull the curtain between reality and dreams or else he knew he would be a mess fit for absolutely -nothing-.

But still those instances of deja-vu tickled at his senses like fine yet intoxicating incense, forever tempting with bits of remembrances here and there but no -real- memories to decipher. Just images here and there.. snippets to cut and paste. Much like religion, their interpertations were inclusive to the person.

"And sometimes we make promises
We never mean to keep
And blackmail is the only deal,
A promise dealer seeks."

He heard the roar of a forest beast, and then a woman's high pitched screen and then he inputed some ratios into Weltall's sensory mainframe. It brought him out of his reverie and lured him back to the matter at hand.


No time for reflection when duty awaited.

"Heaven hide your eyes (heaven hide your eyes)
Heaven's eyes will never dry."

There would always be more dreams, all he would have to do is close his eyes.

"The Promise" by Arcadia

Songfic by Nia Westphal

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