"I will never lose
Memories we choose.
Choices that we've made for love.
Voices in my head,
Call me away.
You were right beside me all along."
Somehow Magus had managed to get some clean clothes on, clean up the purple blood that had collected like a resevoir in his hair and along his neck and then escape from Angelous. The night sky was clear, making a mockery of his heart. He had never questioned why he loved August so much. He knew the legends though,. he knew that all Bainbridges were -supposed- to be attracted to Zeals. Why did they leave him feeling -nothing-. He did not even find them beautiful. The chameleon eyes that should of rendered him helpless, did nothing for him. They were only Zeals, they held no great center of power in his universe. They came and went out of his academy.
Hell he -knew- Merlyn his secretary was attracted to him, he did not just play oblivious for fun and profit. He thought it better to play oblivious and not hurt the other man's feelings by telliing outright that he wasn't attracted to him in the same way. Of course he noticed all the obvious attempts for Merlyn to corner him, last Christmas the profusion of mistletoe hanging up in his office, he had gotten quite good at pretending to walk in a hazy path that did not touch the radius of the mistletoe. Even though the looks of disappointment on the young secretary's face was enough to cause him to feel sorry for him. ~Pity, that is not love.. I have always known that.~
Stole out of the grounds furtively, happening upon Aleksander and nodding to him to alert the other man to the fact that he was not an escaping student. A few silent tears filled his eyes, crystallizing in the moonlit night but tears of weakness that Magus rarely let -anyone- see. He had never cried in front of anyone.. anyone save for one.
The one person that Magus was going to see that meant the world to him, meant more than even August. His mother. While he knew his mother couldn't help with advice, his mother was in love with a Zeal.. with his father. His father whom Magus never -really- known except for passing. A cursed love, that is what his mother referred to it in passing, in that calm way she had. The Bainbridge way.
It was their fate to take the love they had forged and move on, keeping it close to one's heart and living.. surviving. That is what they were about, it all but screamed it's life into the karmic cycle that they went through continually. Love was born, love was lost.. rinse, repeat.
"Maybe I should of known it
And maybe I should of seen
But I'm still lost in my dreams
Now that you're gone.."
He slipped in silently, he knew his mother would be up. Bainbridge and Zeals didn't -need- sleep. It was an idiosyncracy about them that was fairly amusing. Only needing sleep after expending magic energy. And then he could be out for days at a time. Probably a good reason why he taught Magical Artifacts and -not- Light Magic. Grehaun Manor while big, still breathed of the Bainbridges special touch. Glancing around at the room. Traces of memories, of past. Various men that Schala had married, some of their portraits graced the walls. Particularly Kelvin Grehaun the great ministrel that had been Schala's first marriage after Magus's father.
And he slipped in, making his way to his mother's study where she was most of the time. The study, was calm, serene even. And he saw his mother sitting in a chair by the fire. Soft waves of lightest white falling down her back. It was easy to see why men fell in love with Schala. She exuded a strong aura.. a strong aura of needing protection even though Magus knew that she needed no such thing. His mother, the strongest person that he knew. Once he entered she looked up. Those purple eyes much like her own. If Magus looked feminine, she was the incarnation of -true- femininity. There was no words that passed from each other's lips, but rather eyes locked and then she raised a hand silently. To beckon her son closer.
He crossed the feet that seperated them, he fell down at her feet and buried his head in her lap. And that is when Magus completely broke down and started to cry. Tears that usually only saw the backs of his eyes. He left them out for his mother. Salty tears soaked through Schala's robes and would probably leave tears stains. He felt Schala's hands run through his hair. Run as if trying to soothe him. She knew, she always did. She was not called the wisest of all the Bainbridges for naught.
He lay there at her feet for long moments, he didn't know how long he had been there. Time seemed to dissolve into nothingness. He had reached that state where it could of been minutes, it could of been hours. All he knew was that the dawn had not come yet and the fire was still flickering in the hearth.
"I love him mother.." Magus sobbed softly and Schala sighed softly as she continued her ministrations. She touched her son's shoulders briefly and then her eyes widened slightly as she then pulled her hand back. No it couldn't be.. it couldn't be at all. Her son had never opened to her quite like this and now it was all so clear.
The part of Magus that was supposed to love Zeals.. it wasn't there. There was something else there, another darkness, it was just as strong as the ties that Bainbridges -did- feel for Zeals. Had Magus unknowingly created a bond that somehow counteracted the ties of fate? It intriqued Schala to no end. It was true that some Bainbridges married someone that wasn't a Zeal but it was usually not because they -loved- that person.
It was usually circumstances that threw them into loveless marriages and alliances.
"I remember holding you,
Really felt so right
Now I find I'm reaching out in the middle of the night
All those things I should of said
Now my chance is gone
All alone I'm reaching out..
Even though I know it's wrong..
Magus raised his head from his mother's lap and looked up at her with eyes that didn't cry easily. "It went.. it went out of control. I lost control around him.. I kissed him.. " And then his voice lowered. "I told him.. that Miles was his son. I told him when I haven't even told -Miles- who his other parent was. Gods know he's asked.. and I just play it off or tell him that it is no one he knows." Magus raked a few fingers through hair that had decided to get touseled.
"What do I do, mother..? What -can- I do.. I've driven him off." And at that thought Magus felt a sob lodge right in his throat, refusing to come out and choking him.
Schala remained quite for a moment, and then she spoke. "What does not kill us, it only makes us stronger.. it only imparts a lesson to us. We do not learn these lessons, then we are crippled. You -should- tell Miles, you owe it to yourself, you owe it to him. He is a grown man, no doubt he can handle it."
Magus thought about all the times that Magus had dragged August to all the important functions involving Miles. Things like competitions and graduation. With the pretense that he could not very well attend these things alone, but really because he wanted Miles' 'other' parent to be there with him. Even if August and Miles knew it not.
Now it was different and he knew it.
"You are right mother, he deserves to know.. but not now.. not until I can compose myself." Magus said as he dragged his gaze to the fire. "I still have to work tomorrow. I do not think, I do not think that August will be there." Magus then layed his head on his folded arms. "Why? Why does it hurt so much?"
"The people we care for, are usually the ones who can hurt us the most.. we've opened ourselves up to them and so a single word can hit like the sharpest blade." Schala said softly, almost sadly as she remembered the terms on which her and Magus parted. Terms she would -never- forget, those terms that would always haunt her dreams.. that is when she chose to sleep.
"I betrayed him.. I.. I was cruel.. I was selfish.. I never told him, I only listened.. and wanted." Tears sprang anew.
"I will never know
My heart will never show
I will keep it all inside
Somehow when I tried..
You knew that I'd lied..
And my heart had been untrue."
"It was because you wanted him to be happy... You knew the information would hurt him.."
"But why.. why did it come out now.. he was hurt, I could see it in his eyes.. despite everything.. the growling.. I could see it. The monster that he had become, it was because of -me-. And I can't live with that, mother! I cannot bear the knowledge that I hurt him.." Magus said weakly, almost feverishly, the glow playing off of his face, shadowing his eyes.
"My little Magus, you must cry.. cry and get it out. You shall feel better in the morning. You will be able to face the morning. But don't hold back your tears, dearheart. Supressed tears never helped matters. You will be able to think clearly after they are gone. Besides, you have students to think about, you have Angelous House."
No more words needed to be said, there was only silence for the rest of the evening.. and continued on til morning.. until Magus stole back out of Grehaun Manor, toward the campus. The light of dawn was tinging the sky, allowing him enough time to get prepared for the days classes. He had cried his fill.. he had left emotions at the door of Grehaun but his mother -was- right, he had a duty.. he had a duty to something that him and August had formed amidst their bonds of friendship. The Academy.
"Maybe I should of known it
And maybe I should of seen
But I'm still lost in my dreams..
Now that you're gone."
He got the letter when he stepped into August's office to see if perhaps the man was there. All that greeted him was an empty desk and a letter, a very formal letter addressed to everyone.. not just him. He read over the contents and then leaned against the desk, rubbing his forehead. He then pressed on the intercom on his desk and said very weakly into the com. "Merlyn.. please go to Shade House and usher the Riddles into see me.. immediately. "
"Everything all right, Principal Bainbridge?" Merlyn's caring voice said. Magus waved it off.
"Everything is fine.. now please, with urgency."
And then the Riddles were ushered in, all three of them and which he told them that August would not be around for a few days and that if they had any concerns, worries or requests.. that he would see to it in August's name. They trusted him.. after all he was his best friend.
The only one who looked slightly sceptical about it was Riddle's own daughter, Manuel, she looked at him as if trying to read between the lines. He had nothing else to say though, and he dismissed them, with an invitation to Grehaun Manor for this weekened if August should not return before then.
Once they were gone, Magus tucked the letter up and slipped it into the robes of his pocket. This was going to be long, these next few days..or more. He didn't know. And even then.. he had a feeling that August would avoid him. Could he live with that?
He'd have to live with any decision that August made involving their relationship.
Oh gods how Magus hated himself at this moment, hated his weakness. Surely Rome might not of been built in a day but it could be destroyed in an instant.
"All the times I should of seen
Everything you meant to me
Now I only hold you in my dreams.
I remember holding you..
It really felt so right (felt so right)
Now I find I'm reaching out in the middle of the night.
All those things I should of said
Now my chance is gone.
(all alone) Now alone I'm reaching out..
Even though I know its wrong..
So wrong.. (I remember holding you)"
Magus kept himself busy throughout the day, trying to hide his sorrow, his sadness behind a smile. That was what Bainbridges were the best at doing. Hiding from the world what they truly felt, because it was convenient, because it would not do for them to show others the burden that lay on their souls. The calls of duty slivered through his heart and that was kept him from simply falling right there, right now and succumbing to weakness.
It was a heavy word, but one that served him best. Merlyn brought him lunch, but Magus did not eat it.. Amethyst brought him dinner.. that lay untouched as he threw himself into his own work and August's work combined.
Most people in their sadness, from the sphere of their sorrow cried.
Magus worked.. on and on into the night. Taking occasional stops to check up on Angelous House, even though he knew that with some of the 7th years could do quite well in handling the job of peace makers. He didn't want to be in Angelous house right now.. too many reminders of what he had been born to.. a Bainbridge. Bainbridges who were supposed to follow the grand scheme of fate and destiny. Was this his punishment for going against its flow.. it's circle of life?
He refused to be a slave to karma.. and yet he felt the wheel.. it kept spinning, lurching in his stomach as the wheel stopped on names, on things that had been irrevocably affected by what he had refused to say.
~I remember holding you.. (really felt so right.. felt so right..)
All those things I should of said.. (all alone alone...)
I remember holding you.~
"I Remember Holding You" by Boys Club
Songfic by Nia Westphal