Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

I'll be damned if someone can tell me what I can and can't post on this journal quite honestly though for all that this blog is never checked, just this once it wouldn't surprise me if it was. I'm disabling comments because I just want to get my own thoughts and feelings out to the exclusion of anything else and I don't care what anyone else says. I don't need comiserations of sympathy or anything like that.. I just want to write about my thoughts and feelings and have absolutely no one harp on about it or somehow invalidate that which I feel because believe you me.. sometimes I do feel as if my feelings are off the bat invalidated.

But seriously, how am I supposed to feel when a conversation starts out with someone asking me if anything is wrong, and by the end of the conversation suddenly it's all my fault.. that I'm the one doing the attacking and that I'm being unreasonable. When the conversation suddenly leads to my failings, it makes me not want to talk at all and then I just want to close up and close off; after all, why did I bother in the first place? Maybe I should of just shut the fuck up.. trucked it up and smiled and pretended to be all happy or pretend that what had bothered me hadn't. In the end it was I who apologized and with not a single apology coming my way and believe me, I felt bitter about it.

But I can't mention it because then I will be the ingrate, I am the one who has the problem.. I am the one who is attacking. But it seems like it's always like this, with me who does the apologizing in the end.. me the one who caves first, who folds.. and I feel that if I am consistantly the first one that folds.. one day I am going to fold.. for good. Throw in my cards and turn to walk the other way. There was absolutely no inkling given that there was any understanding about where I was coming from and yeah I guess my emotions and such don't mean very much in the scope of things.

I just feel sick.. sick and depressed and I just want to cry. Can't sleep though, tried that and had a miniature hot pocket in bed beside me so my sleep (all three hours of it) was tenuous at best and I just had really wierd dreams. But whenever I feel like there's something unresolved, I just can't sleep.. I try and I try but it never seems to come.. even took some melatonin but that wasn't happening. Sure I feel tired now, but I know that if I laid down, I wouldn't be able to get to sleep at all.

Forgive me for saying 'I.. I.. I.." I know it's not all about me, but when a situation like this, it's so easy to focus on one's feelings. But despite everything I know that it wasn't resolved and I am pretty sure that the other person in question knows that it wasn't resolved either and so we're at an impasse which seems to happen alot as of late. The thing is that when two people of immeasurable stubbornness comes together, it never ends well. But really I wanted just an "I understand what you're feeling.." that would almost have been as good as an apology because at the very least it would of made me believe that my point had been seen.

Oh well, I'm going to try to do something to take my mind off of it.. 'try' being the operative word.

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