Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2003 21:27:29 -0800 (PST)
Good evening, mortals, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sauron,
the Lord of the Rings.
Caught the title, did you? I should expect so. Most of you idiots
might remember the title to the movie with Frodo, Legolas,
and/or Aragorn in it. Which is why we're going to have a little
*I* am the Lord of the Rings. Not some midget with hairy feet and
blue eyes the size of saucer plates. Not some pretty boy with
pointy ears and a blond wig. Not some loser
king-turned-ranger-turned-king badly in need of a haircut and a
shave. Me. Sauron. The Deceiver. The real honest-to-Tolkien
Lord of the Rings.
I don't mean to complain. I'm glad you came to see my movie.
But you seem to have lost focus. The bloody movie is named
after ME!! It's not "Midget Carrying A Ring," or "Cute Elf Boy," or
"Sexy Ranger." It's "Lord of the Rings." If it was about one of the
above, I'm sure they would have renamed it to "The Ringbearer,"
or some other flowery title.
I am *sick* and *tired* of you little fangirls (and a few of the
fanboys) going on about how cute Frodo was. Or how hot
Legolas was. Or how sexy Aragorn was. Are they the real stars of
the movie? No. I am. Without *me*, there would be no movie!!
Without a doubt, *I* am the most important character in the
movie. Middle Earth depends on me to oppress it and wreak
havoc and evil. Do you have any idea how hard it is to corrupt,
taint, destroy, and ruin *everything* you touch? It's not easy, let
me tell you. It's hard work being an overlord of evil! I have all
these evil plans to concoct, and there's a lot of appearances to
be made. I hardly get any sleep, what with having to keep an eye
out for everything those idiots do to try and thwart me.
But do I have any fangirls? Do I have ridiculous girls who collect
images of me, and devote entire shrines to how sexy I am? Do I
get any appreciation? No. I am unloved, uncared for, and in the
end, I have to die, just to make the heroes look good.
Would you even appreciate Frodo completely if it weren't for *my*
ring? Would you like Legolas so much if I didn't provide his
targets for him to show off with a bow? Would you think Aragorn
was so sexy if he never had to draw his sword and fight off my
minions? Would you have liked the movie as much if I didn't
arrange for the dramatic deaths of at least two characters? If it
weren't for me, there'd be no movie.
Now, I know I don't have a pretty face and long, blond hair. Or big
blue eyes and a sensitive face. Or smoldering green eyes and
classic good looks. But a little appreciation would be nice. What
about my lidless eye, wreathed in flames, eh? Now that's cool.
Does Frodo have a lidless eye wreathed in flames? I think not.
Hell, he can barely keep his eyes symmetrical without photo
manipulation. And what about my cool metal suit of armor? Does
Legolas have a suit of intimidating armor? No, he doesn't. All he
has is some frippy Elf clothing, and stupid braids. And he walks
like a girl. And what about my piece d' resistance? The One
Ring? Does Aragorn have the One Ring at any point of the
movie? No, he's so scared of it, he sends off the little hobbit
like a coward. And he spends more time touching Legolas and
Boromir in that movie than Arwen. (Wonder what *that's* all
Obviously, I have some interesting qualities I feel are overlooked.
All you fangirls (and fanboys) need to stop drooling after Frodo,
Legolas, and Aragorn. Stop it with the obsession!! You're losing
focus for the movie!! Do you think Tolkien created those
characters so you could chase after them in your sexual
fantasies? I think not. The old bastard was way too interested in
cross-dressing women to create male fantasies for you. *I* am
the star of the show. And I want to be loved for what I am, and
what I do!!
I mean, look at yourselves. Just *look* at what you've turned into.
Instead of appreciating the film, the books, or even the important
message behind the story (don't steal other people's jewelry),
you chase after the male characters in the story. I've even seen
shrines to Boromir. Boromir!! He bloody well died, you know!!
The loser practically tried to rip Frodo limb-from-limb to get the
ring, and yet, you appreciate *him*, just because he tried to save
those idiots, Merry and Pippin. The fools got everyone in trouble
more times than *I* did in the film, and you still like *them*. I
barely had to do *any* evil in the first movie. Pippin was doing a
rather nice job of it all by himself.
Take the scribe of my message, J. Marie, for instance. The fool
girl has a shrine to naked Viggo Mortenson pictures on her hard
drive. Now that's sad. She has filled up folders of precious
memory with pictures of Orlando Bloom. She's wasted countless
hours agonizing over writing fanfiction (about Aragorn and
Legolas, no less). She's seen the movie *six* times, with no end
in sight as of this writing, simply so she can drool over Aragorn
and Legolas. It's pathetic, I tell you.
Where are my shrines? Why does she go to the bathroom during
the parts of the movie before Aragorn shows up? Why does she
concern herself with the pizza grease on her hands during *my*
scenes, yet didn't even notice her brother spilling Pepsi all over
her pants when Aragorn was fighting the Nazgul? It's unfair.
She'll quote you *Gollum* before she can mention anything that I
have done to make this film great. She just shrugs and tells all
her friends she hopes Aragorn gets a nude scene in the next
movie!! How degrading!!
And where were *my* Oscar nominations?? Nobody would care
about Gandalf if it weren't for *me*!! He'd be nothing without *me*
to define him!! It's an injustice!!!
And don't even get me started on the fanfiction. Where's my sex
scenes? (I'm a lover, not a fighter, you know.) My thoughts and
angst?? Where's my slash moments (I personally think that
Gandalf and I need to get the hook-up), or the times when I
kidnap Arwen from Aragorn? Where's the Mary Sues that try to
get *me* to marry them? I'll have you know I have some very nice
love poetry stored up for just that occasion. It's always about
Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo!!
I'm asking for some focus here. For people to recognize that the
Lord of the Rings is about ME. The Lord of the Rings. Not the
ranger who needs to shave. Not the Elf who looks like a girl at a
distance. And certainly not some computer-midget-ized hobbit
with eyes too big for his face. I'll get him. And his little dog, too.
I *demand* equal rights. I want web shrines, folders full of
images of me on your hard drive, people paying eight bucks a
pop just to see *me* on screen repeatedly, fanfiction, love
scenes, Mary Sue fics, grand kidnapping the damsel scenes,
horrific storylines, and angst-filled stories!! I *am* the Lord of
the Rings!! It's all about ME!! ME!!! MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I need to go take my medication now.
Has anyone seen my teddy bear, Mr. Wuggles? I want to go
Mr. Wuggles... where are you, Mr. Wuggles??