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Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered


"Cause I'll be lighting fires for you.."

~I'm there in the Light when you need me~

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: Lesbians and such :
Zoicite☆For all I carry are murdered
I identify with lesbian, strongly. Granted I have straight girl crushes on certain individuals (like Jason from Take That) but they are usually anime/manga characters and people who I WILL NEVER EVER MEET. I do not feel like that bars me from taking the term 'lesbian' as truth because honestly, yeah.. I'll never meet Jason in real life, EVER and thus never get the chance to jump him.

I do not fall into any subgenre of lesbian because I do not believe in that. I wear girly make-up, I smell nice, but I'm definitely not femme, I have short hair and don't really do dresses but I do not consider myself butch, I am right in the middle. Though I'm not androgynous either. I am proud of my femininity and just being a girl, because a girl is not a guy and I never ever want to be a guy (I used to around five years ago.. but I grew out of that stage, life changes and well, so do we).

I first knew I was a lesbian probably when I was around 11 or 12, because I developed a crush on my best friend at the time, AND succeeding best friends. I just loved them, was possessive of them, jealous of their boyfriends. That knowledge didn't make sense until perhaps I had gone to college and I had aquired a girlfriend and admitted to myself that yes I did love women. I loved them more then men.

That also came with my distance from the 'christian god' because how could I believe in a god who didn't want me to be happy, who didn't accept me for who I was? who couldn't support a union between myself and another woman. That was a part of why I initially got into the wiccan religion (even though I indentify as pagan now). It's not really a choice for me, being a lesbian. I just am, you cannot control your body's responses and I certainly can't. You cannot choose what turns you on, and when I was 12 I had no clue of what a lesbian was, and yet I still felt the first stirrings of that.

I look back on alot of my jr.high/high school behaviors and I just know that I had been a lesbian even back then. Growing up in a predominately christian household, I didn't want to believe that I had been that, and I fought against it, got boyfriends and everything.. but there came a time when I couldn't deny who I was.

And that is how I came to be the person I am now.

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*Hugs* Well I'm glad you got to come to terms with it and figure out who you were. :D It's never something that anyone should be ashamed of. ♥ That's one of my biggest gripes with various religions -mainly catholic or christian- how they treat sexuality. We don't get to choose, and it has nothing to do with how good of a person you are. :/
It took me a long time to figure out myself too, and I broke a lot of hearts in the process.;;; I wish there was more education on it at a young age because yeah, had no idea what all the sexualities even were back then.

Oh man, it's one of those cases where 'if I had only known what I do now' but yes, the christian religions are very unforgiving. Yes I've heard alot of them say, 'you can be homosexual but you will sin if you have sex with the same sex'. but they are forgetting that their is a sexual in homosexual.

"And that is how I came to be the person I am now."

Which, just so you know, is all kinds of awesome. The person you are now, I mean. You makes my friends page a happy place.

Awww.. thank you so much :hugs:

It's hard. Especially coming from a family of catholics. I... I've known since, I think inwardly, 9th grade, back in 1995. I admitted it to my Social Worker back then. My sister, thankfully, knew for years but I came out to her, maybe in 1999? She is really the only one, who if knew and didn't approve, I would break from. She's my rock. If I didn't have her support, I'm pretty sure I would have been worse.

I've admitted it to my Psychoanalyst. And that was a weight from my shoulders. My mother knows, she's... old-fashioned, but she does accept it. Doesn't want to know any details, but... I try? Can't help it when I see a nice-looking girl and I watch. >_>;;

And really, that's anybody who needs to know. My friends do, and once again, have kind of known, prior to me telling. I had a gigantic crush on my friend Kaji; for like... years and years. I never told her but I'm pretty sure she knew. She's married now and living in Japan and happy, that's all I really care about.

While, if my father or father's family or my mother's family, if they know or have assumptions, that's fine. I'm never telling them nor do I ever want to. And if they disapprove, I don't give a rat's ass. Not their life. Mine. My choice.

It's not really a choice for me, being a lesbian. I just am, you cannot control your body's responses and I certainly can't. You cannot choose what turns you on.

Nope. You can't choose who you love or why, you just do. And that's the way it is. ♥

You've said it really eloquently honestly. I agree though about that, I could disappoint other people, or I could diappoint myself.. and well, I have to live with myself.. so the choice is really clear.

You'll always have my support, Nia. ♥

*hugs tight* ♥ it's awesome to hear that you accept yourself as you are :3 I'm a bi (secret in RL...), and yeah, coming in terms with who you are isn't exactly easy s: the important thing is to accept yourself and don't feel ashamed of it ♥ It's something you feel, not decide or anything. :3c

and I agree with the comment that says that it's great that you are this way ♥ ♥ ♥

Awww why thank you.

I think that ultimately you just need to be true to yourself. And feel no shame in who you are. You shouldn't let outside influences dictate your own identity. I really hate it when the world gets in the way and tries to tell you what is and is not normal.

I think coming to terms with yourself is perhaps the hardest thing of all to do. I think, after all these years, I've finally done that and am moving forward. Forward is a good direction and much better then the sideways I've been doing for a long while now. It's just odd to look back on a life that has strong indications of one's homosexuality and to have gone so many years looking the other way, which is what I had been doing. I think you are a lot stronger then I am in many ways. ♥

Well I think that comes into play with our emotions, and what rules them. You are a strong pisces in emotion, I'm a strong Taurus. It was easier for me to come to terms with myself because I was like "This isn't right." I had a practical virgo to back me up. You are mostly water, I think that you had to feel your way into who you are.. whereas I was like "This is the way I am so I have to deal with that".

When it comes down to it, I never needed children anyways, that's not what keeps me fufilled. I want stability yes, emotional stability. That's my key motivating factor.

I love you! *hugs*

I would say that's true, I've spent a lot of time trying to hide from what I was feeling, though once I've admitted that, it has been much easier to solidify behind those feelings and to say 'This is Right'.

I would say I want stability two, emotional and just everything. I want to know that what is today will be tomorrow. And I wanted kids. I'm glad I have them. I think they are something that we can enjoy together. I hope we can, anyways.

I love you!

You know I love Soren and Midori as if they were my own, I try to guard their safekeeping as if they were my own. You know, I think that I love them as much as I would my own kids, seriously. *hugs*

ANd the whole 'this is right' is the scorpio coming out. Once a scorpio of any kind makes a decision, it's pretty much final.

I'm glad I can at least make final decisions, otherwise, I'd be useless.

Well I do love you *hugs*

Christians have no right to judge and it makes me mad that you were judged like that from what I'm getting. Nobody has the right to judge and yet we do.

I like the person you are now. You are very happy and you are so friendly. ^_^

Well honestly, I get that alot. I mean there are a few Christians that are really awesome, but the majority of them are just like 'this is wrong' and such, it just makes my heart ache. I don't like to be judged for something that I consider to be completely normal. But anyways thank you so much! And yay Shion/Rena! (mmm the hotness)

I lot of this seems very similar to my own awakening and how I realised who I was.

Yeah, it's definitely something that has dawned on me. Oh how i remember just knowing that I was falling in love with a girl.. when my psyche actually allowed me to know this, I was 19 and it was a girl named Mel Peters, and I just remember her being in love with a guy, and I was seeing anot, and we both had our hearts broken, and we really just reached out to each other. Despite the fact that things ended a bit badly for us, still I look back on her as my first true awakening I guess. (every relationship I've really had I think has just led me one step closer to Shuu)

Coming to terms with who you are is definitely not an easy task at times (especially when there are outside influences/pressures to contend with)...but once you've done that, I think it can be a very peaceful and satisfying feeling in a way. And I for one wouldn't want you any other way--even though we haven't been friends on LJ for very long yet, you're an absolutely amazing person who both my sister and I have really liked getting to know more! *hugs tightly* ♥

I've loved getting to know you and your sister too ♥ You two are really just very awesome, and you have some seriously awesome taste!

*fist pounds to the fellow pagan*

*fist pounds* Booyaka. Yeah, I really love the study of religion and most importantly the study of paganism. My girlfriend is a Dianic Wiccan.. but I'm just a smattering, I know various things and the best thing about the pagan religion is that it's so very fluid.

Yeah I'm kinda the same way. I affiliated myself with Wicca for a very long time but I found that I didn't necessarily fit into that mold perfectly. It's my favorite thing too. Gotta love it. <3 I'm also generally very private about it. I need to get out of my shell. I try to read a lot but I'm sure actually talking with people would help broaden my horizons even more.

I hate being shy. lol

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