Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

: Lesbians and such :

I identify with lesbian, strongly. Granted I have straight girl crushes on certain individuals (like Jason from Take That) but they are usually anime/manga characters and people who I WILL NEVER EVER MEET. I do not feel like that bars me from taking the term 'lesbian' as truth because honestly, yeah.. I'll never meet Jason in real life, EVER and thus never get the chance to jump him.

I do not fall into any subgenre of lesbian because I do not believe in that. I wear girly make-up, I smell nice, but I'm definitely not femme, I have short hair and don't really do dresses but I do not consider myself butch, I am right in the middle. Though I'm not androgynous either. I am proud of my femininity and just being a girl, because a girl is not a guy and I never ever want to be a guy (I used to around five years ago.. but I grew out of that stage, life changes and well, so do we).

I first knew I was a lesbian probably when I was around 11 or 12, because I developed a crush on my best friend at the time, AND succeeding best friends. I just loved them, was possessive of them, jealous of their boyfriends. That knowledge didn't make sense until perhaps I had gone to college and I had aquired a girlfriend and admitted to myself that yes I did love women. I loved them more then men.

That also came with my distance from the 'christian god' because how could I believe in a god who didn't want me to be happy, who didn't accept me for who I was? who couldn't support a union between myself and another woman. That was a part of why I initially got into the wiccan religion (even though I indentify as pagan now). It's not really a choice for me, being a lesbian. I just am, you cannot control your body's responses and I certainly can't. You cannot choose what turns you on, and when I was 12 I had no clue of what a lesbian was, and yet I still felt the first stirrings of that.

I look back on alot of my jr.high/high school behaviors and I just know that I had been a lesbian even back then. Growing up in a predominately christian household, I didn't want to believe that I had been that, and I fought against it, got boyfriends and everything.. but there came a time when I couldn't deny who I was.

And that is how I came to be the person I am now.
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