"Don't make me feel any colder,
Time is like a clock in my heart.
Touch me, touch..
Was the heat too much?
I felt I lost you from the start"
The day that Roni told him that he was going to India soon to tend his father's estates therein, Mathias Uzuki did the only thing that he could do, something that was purely instinctual to him. He had to push Roni away, this worked doubly in matters of the heart such as this where he stood to hurt very much. That had been the case when Roni had earlier that summer made moves on him, moves that Mathias tried to push aside to protect his own heart. If it hadn't been for Roni's proactive wooing, the clambers up the trellis toward his chambers, the constant formal calls along with the moonlight then he probably would of stayed alot more constant in his resolve. But Roni had a way of infiltrating him, casting light where shadows only lay. And after Roni proved that he wouldn't leave, would stay there in Mat's heart, then Mat fully opened up and gave Roni his body and his soul.
That is why that morning had come as a slap in the face, like cold water on a pleasant dream. When those words were uttered, he scrambled to get away for this hurt far worse and was exactly what he had been trying to protect his heart against. Against Roni leaving him, and yet it was still happening. He tore away from Roni's embrace and ran out of the Fatima estate. He could hear Roni's voice calling out after him but he refused to pause, he didn't want to hear Roni's reasons that would fall upon ears that didn't want excuses.
The week before Roni's ship was to leave, Mat refused to leave the manor. Not until Roni sent word that he wasn't leaving, but no such word came.. nothing. And despite the calls that came, he had told the servents to deny Roni entrance. He didn't know that often times his own father in his gentle way would override the servant's instructions and invite Roni in to talk, not about Mat. No never, for Jeriah had known that Mat needed his own time to think not to mention he also realized that Mat was far different from himself, made of more stubborn material.
Trays were sent up to his room as he morosed and brooded, refusing any communication. His heart breaking just a little bit which each day that Roni refused to give in to him. Certainly he was stubborn where matters of the heart was concerned, and perhaps he was a bit selfish too, after all this was his first love and first loves were not something that became perfect immediately. That entire week was spent languishing over his hurt, over what he wanted, for it was very much what he wanted. But the day came and went, and afterwards.. there were no poundings on his door, no more rocks thrown at his window. It was depressing to acknowledge, but the truth was that Roni had left for India.
The week afterward was bleak. He finally left his room while he found himself trying to convince himself that he was better to have ended it now. They were both lords after all, and lords needed ladies, not other lords. There was the succession to consider, and every time he thought about it, he realized that it was better that they had broken it off. Every time he thought about Roni's golden hair or those laughing blue eyes, he would sternly remind himself that Roni was the one who had -left- him. In his mind it was all Roni's fault for Mat was very good at placing the blame at a door without attributing any of it to himself.
He actually wanted Roni to write to him to profusely apologize for leaving, he constantly looked for letters that would tell him that Roni was miserable there in malaria-infested India so that he could deliver a lashing set-down. Perhaps even then he would of taken Roni back if there was enough begging. But no letters, and after a few months he realized that none were coming.
And so what did Mat do but he applied himself to learning estate business because it got his mind off of everything, it caused him not to think of Roni so much. Though certainly he wouldn't even go near the barn, or any of their old haunts, he didn't want to relieve memories of their empassioned embraces that were suddenly relegated to the shabby past. His father though was patient with him, and in the mornings he'd ride out with him to the tenants, sometimes Jakob would accompany them. But for the most part his father let him do most of the talking with them. His father tried to include him additionally whenever they took the boat off onto the lake, but often times Mat refused because Jakob was his father's best friend.. not his own.
And so learning to be a proper lord gave him a definite purpose and he set himself upon learning, not even realizing that very soon he would need that strength and the knowledge.
The night that his father disappeared, he was called upon to head up a search party in the storm, Jakob the other. It was the two of them that took their groups through the property, himself shouting his father's name loudly through the wind and roar. Soaked and wet and with more pressing things to worry about, there was nothing that he could do except search and hope that his father had made it to safety through the brunt of the storm. It was certain that he was just as worried as Jakob, in fact he never realized that his father's best friend was so frantic. It gave him pause, for he considered it.. if it were Roni.. but then his mind denied that thought automatically as something that he shouldn't.
But with the dawn came the news that Jeriah had been found.. dead. That was the start of the pall. Immediately upon hearing the news, Mat had been contacted by his father's man of business but it hit hard with him and so he hid away from it, just enough so that he could grieve. Luckily though Jakob stepped in, despite the tears that he could see unshed in the other man's blue eyes. And Mat was allowed to grieve underneath the care of Jakob and Lirin, not even going back to his mother's house for the time being. The death hit him hard, and up to the funereal and even after, he wished desperately to have a shoulder to lean on, wishing that he had never sent Roni away, that he had a friend. Certainly he knew that he could talk to Jakob and Lirin if he wanted to, but they were dealing with their own sorrow and he dare not intrude upon it.
Certainly Mat wished that the summer had never occured between them to complicate things, that he had been strong enough that Roni wouldn't have ever entered his heart, for perhaps then he'd have a shoulder to cry on and not an empty pillow to vent his sorrow, all the doubts and fears that nested in his psyche could come to light, for like it or not, he was the next Viscount Uzuki.
"Oh. in time it could of been so much more,
But time is precious I know..
In time it could of been so much more..
But time has nothing to show"
*crossposted to shitan