Jyuu (jyuufish) wrote,

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~Overseas, Friendship and everything they don't normally teach you in school~

Well I got woken up by my husband at 2 am saying, "I am getting crosstrained into Broadcasting, yay" and I am all like "huh" because at 2 am I am not the most logical thinker, especially when it has to do with waking me up from sleep.. I have my best incoherent thoughts after I have just woken up. However it does hit me.

That particular job happens overseas, meaning -I- will go overseas.. maybe Germany, maybe Japan.. I know I was just talking with Mir about wanting to go overseas.. I would kill to go to japan.. however yes my husband does need to go to school for this job, meaning we will be apart for a little more. Luckily he is coming back to Mountain Home and will do OJT at the Broadcasting Studio here until he gets a date for his school.

Or maybe Germany.. you know he told me that he wanted to take me to Neuschwanstien.. to this little chalet overlooking it, the honeymoon suite looks right over it. I thought that would be lovely, because Neuschwanstien has always been a particular dream of mine.. I have always loved that castle for reasons which I cannot define in -this- life. When I was in 4th grade I would obsessively draw that castle.. and in all my writings, castles bore a strong likeness to it.

I can't get to sleep now because I am wondering about the future.. *heh's* Oooh everyone pray that Nia goes to Japan.. *hee's* Or Germany. Though I will take anywhere because it would really curb the wanderlust that I have.

And now for the second thing on my mind.. *drumroll*

I in no way want anyone to think that this is a ranting section because it isn't. Sure I pissed Mizu off, sure Mizu pissed me off (which accounts for me throwing her in iggy in Avalon, she is in iggy, I don't say anything that would be questionable for the moderators in Avalon to bann me, it is all good.) However using Mari as a go between wasn't a good idea and I realize that.

I hate go-betweens. I find them silly and a waste of time. In fact if Mizu wants to contact me, she better damn well do it herself. I don't want to -deal- with the he said, she said bullshit... no no no..

Just as well the fact that she had Mari send me a link, saying "Here is a fanart site, some of the pictures are claimed but you might like it" It is like she is actively trying to make me see what a martyr she is, how good and noble she is in order to graciously hand over a site.

And besides with events between us, a fanart site is the last thing I want to think about or even talk about quite honestly... not to mention the fact that well you know what, I don't want to drag people into this. The people that I truly care about know me, they have known me and delved further into my soul then anyone else I have allowed. Alot of people in Avalon are friend aquaintances, meaning they see only one facet of me. A prime example is Laurana. We talk and we are friends, but she doesn't know what makes me tick.. just like I don't know what makes her tick. We are friends, we say hi, we squeal when we see pictures of each other that we like.. it is no less nice, it just doesn't bear that melding of souls that a few have with me.

That doesn't bother me though.. one should be friendly with all and intimate with few...

-- To Mizu --

I have uttered none of those lies, in fact the only people I have talked to about this are Angue, Viv, Jaesyn and my husband. Of course I did express my dissatisfaction with Mari about how you treated the human race in general but that is just me. I took you off my LJ friends list yes in a fit of rage, because imagine my surprise, bearing my heart to my LJ.. yes I was truly upset about it.. yes sex is a big deal to me. And I go into Avalon and see you sneering at it quite openly. Yes that did hurt just a -little- and yes it does hurt when you lay your heart open for people to read, and then they -step- on it. Yes I am leaving myself open in my LJ however that is not to say a little tact should be exercised. You had -no- idea what kind of sunday I was having, because it went deeper then those problems, it was bad, me and my husband had an awful argument and I needed understanding and support. Yes Mizu, kick me right then, that was as good as kicking me while I was down.

That was sufficient enough to make me angry too, so not only was I mad at my husband, I was further angry at -you- hence why you got deleted off my LJ so suddenly. When I put you on my friend's list, I do not expect you to shoot down what I say, I would sooner expect that of Mel or some jackshit that doesn't have the honor of being on my friendslist for the sheer fact that I don't like them.

I am much too tactful to tell you to go fuck yourself. I would not say it to -anyone- I never even said it to Angue when me and her were at our worst in terms of fighting. I have only said it to Brian Mun once.. and that was 3 years ago nearly. I would much sooner overlook what was being said, however it had been accumulating, Mizu and instead of being outright mean and rude, I would much rather implement the iggy at least until the problem wears over.

You don't know me intimately Mizu, sure we talk and we have said certain confidential things to each other, but you sooner know how I tick then I know how you do. You don't know anything but what I reveal to you, likewise is the same with you. Probably the one who knows me online the best is Viv and Jesse, after that Angue and Jaesyn. I tell them everything that I am feeling, things that I don't reveal to anyone else. (Well first my husband but still.. he is not online, he is RL)

I have been through my tough times, yes I know. But quite honestly when I was raped at 8 I went to therapy to deal with what happened. Hell I screamed whenever I was forced to be in a room alone with a man however I still treated the rest of the human race semi decently.. however you know what, that all goes into the subject "Anger Management" which everyone has different ways of doing.. so I will allow you some points on that score for I have been there, been betrayed and used...

I jumped the gun because I was hurt.. and when I am "truly" hurt my stinger comes up. Yes Mizu, when I let you read that LJ comment, I thought you were my friend, if you had borne any such claim to being my friend you would of tactfully said nothing, refraining to only comment to AIM with someone who similarly probably wouldn't care. When someone has a bad day, someone doesn't actively go about making it worse.

If we talk it out, we talk it out. But if we don't ever resolve our problems or if at least we continue to leave this past buried I am at least glad that one thing rose from the ashes.. that is your willingness to find the ones that you "did" iggy or lash out at and apologize to them. I told Viv that much on friday, and as much as that sounds martyristic, it is the truth. One friendship dead, many others revived. Some ground is burnt to enhance growth, maybe this was just your burning ground.. or rather our burning ground. It would enhance new growth for both of us.. who knows?

That is what I have to say. Some of it isn't nice, some of it isn't pretty but it isn't said it anger, I have been thinking almost all night of these words to put into writing.

However I would like to conclude by saying that if ammends are to be made.. they must be made on the mutual consent that it is neither my fault nor your fault.. but our equal faults. It takes two to tango.. and this has been one hell of a dance.

So anyways that is what I have to say.

And please Mizu, do not send me messages through mutual friends. Do not even involve them. Mari is like Switzerland yes, but it doesn't mean that she should be burdened down with everybody else's problems and petty arguments. Quite honestly she has enough going on at home.

If you have anything to say to me, say it through email or Avalon.

Yes you are out of iggy now.. you've been out of iggy for the past couple of days.
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